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Meanwhile, my iPad 1 will never get iOS 6, even though they were top-of-the-line just 14 months prior to its announcement.

But the iPad was released 30 months ago.

Released? Are you saying never buy any Apple product except on the week of their launch?

From http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/IPad Jobs unveiled the iPad 2 at a March 2, 2011

But Android 2.3 is more functional than iOS6, even without rooting.

An now my apps are amazing!

Which is a feature that came from Android. Next you're going to be telling me how cool you are because you can install and update apps over the WiFi.

Hey, how's that Facetime over 3G/4G? Hope you're not on AT&T.