During my first manic episode I was handed sertraline. This pushed the mania full send and I lost a lot of time that I can't account for, things I did I can't remember but friends have recalled. Climbing the house to get in through the upstairs window whilst having the house key on me. Locking myself in my room for a week or two convinced I was the real world John Connor and Arnie was looking for me. Blowing all my savings on cocaine for me and anybody in my vicinity in a month. Going through a gram of mdma more than once in a night. Feeling like I was on a therapeutic dose of MDMA for a few months and thinking this was what SSRIs were meant to feel like. The list goes on.

I will admit I was semi cognizant of the distorted thinking/reality so played it down when talking to the psychiatrist I was urgently (+2 months into it) referred to for early psychosis intervention. I was eventually handed a dozen valium (which the doctor was incredibly hesitant to prescribe, for good reasons) which let me sleep and the mania lifted.

I'm terrified of SSRIs now. I have been diagnosed bipolar for a few years now (went private because in the UK unless you're a danger you're ignored). This week was the first session with a clinical psychologist in a bipolar group. Unsurprisingly almost everyone had a similar experience with SSRIs.

I'm speculating here but I'm pretty sure if you did an MRI on my brain you'd see lesions from the mixing of mdma and sertraline (I get myoclonic jerks to this day).