Tabloid: The Clickbait Headline Programming Language

  YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT YOU'LL SEE IN LINE ${line_number}

Maybe I should use macros like this for productive work to make sure programming stays engaging and entertaining!

  EXPERTS CLAIM SECRET_CODE TO BE 129

  DISCOVER HOW TO MESS WITH NUMBER
  RUMOR HAS IT
    EXPERTS CLAIM RESULT TO BE NUMBER MODULO 2
    WHAT IF RESULT IS ACTUALLY 0
      SHOCKING DEVELOPMENT NUMBER DIVIDED BY 2
    LIES!
      SHOCKING DEVELOPMENT (NUMBER TIMES 3) PLUS 1
  END OF STORY
  
  EXPERTS CLAIM ITERATION TO BE 0
  DISCOVER HOW TO DEEP_RESEARCH WITH NUMBER
  RUMOR HAS IT
    EXPERTS CLAIM ITERATION TO BE ITERATION PLUS 1
    EXPERTS CLAIM RESULT TO BE MESS OF NUMBER
    WHAT IF RESULT IS ACTUALLY 1 RUMOR HAS IT
      SHOCKING DEVELOPMENT ITERATION
    END OF STORY
    LIES!
      SHOCKING DEVELOPMENT DEEP_RESEARCH OF RESULT
  END OF STORY 

  EXPERTS CLAIM RESULT TO BE DEEP_RESEARCH OF SECRET_CODE

  YOU WON'T WANT TO MISS (((("shocking fact about innocious number discovered: " PLUS SECRET_CODE) PLUS " takes a whopping ") PLUS RESULT) PLUS " steps to reach 1")

  PLEASE LIKE AND SUBSCRIBE

IN BOOST TO x — increment x by 1

IN BLOW TO x — decrement by 1

Throw in ‘BAN THIS SICK FILTH’ as a way to throw an exception.

Of course, the absence of SLAMS and SNUBBED are notable. They should fit in somewhere.

PLEASE LIKE AND SUBSCRIBE

now the program doesnt terminate

The original options are more clear imo, even though they show their age.