Ask HN: Grade my Landing Page

Bam! - took a second to realize its not some 90s throwback site - maybe tone down the colors?

quick no reading look-through see some jumping stick figure a text box, bullet points and some talking head reviews. Is this a get rich quick? The text kinda reads like that lots of promises little detail...

Grade C-

Suggestions:

Tone down colors - loose the highlighter line at the bottom. The logo guy is kinda OK but the font is not energetic enough.

How about having the testimonials pics with the people Exercising or in gym gear near exercise equipment? Would add a more active dynamic to it.

"get a 75% discount by signing up now..." sounds expensive. Should elude to the rates like "for less than a gym membership," (or whatever the comparison) "you will/can..." (bullet points) As a customer I would be comforted in knowing what will I be putting into it and what value will i get out of it...

You have one serif line and then everything else is sans serif... doesn't seem to balance well. you reiterate the same thing twice at the top two lines. maybe if the second line has silhouettes or stick figures doing the steps.

Just noticed it's a mobile application - put handheld devices in stick figure's hand.... Maybe in testimonial pics too.

There are way too many colors (seven, not counting black and white), none of which really work well together.

I personally don't like how the content is all one width the entire length of the page. I think it would look better to have some variation.

There is an asterisk next to "Email," but there's no explanation why it's there.

The star bullet points look like they were drawn in MS Paint.

"take the workout with you on the road" seems misleading. Can you do this workout in your car while driving? Maybe pick a different location...

"It's your turn! This special promotional rate ends soon. Start living the dream today!" - I feel like this should be higher up the page. What's the point of having it at the very bottom?

I'm a professional designer but I'll tell you what I think doesn't matter. At the end of the day this is direct marketing and the best thing to do is to test your concept by placing an ad with AdWords. In fact I think the only thing you are really doing wrong is just having one page -- you should really test several pages that offer different copy and layouts. I would also suggest getting a professional copywriter who knows what they are doing...

First impression: Are you red-green colorblind by any chance? I ask because your landing page looks much better with a protanopia simulation filter applied.

If you aren't colorblind, then, well, let's just say I suggest that you start with color schemes that have been well-tested in other successful direct marketing pieces.

If I'd hit this page from an ad link, I'd have bounced immediately before your sales copy even registered.

LINK: http://www.crunchfit.com/lsw-rewards/

Next impression: The value proposition is murky. As a visitor to this page, I'm not immediately sure what I'm expecting to get in return for giving you my email address.

What am I getting sold here? How is this going to change my life?

Coupons and discounts... why do I want these? Are they for products and services that I actually use? Or am I supposed to pay you for the privilege of receiving other people's junky promotional spam?

75% discount... meaningless if there's no price attached. 75% off of a $2,000 fitness course? 75% discount off of a $2.99/mo webapp?

The bullets are hard to read (see earlier comment about color scheme), and this is the only point at which you start promising things that start to get concrete. You do, however, identify and address some common fitness concerns here, which is good ("it takes too long", "the same workout gets boring over time", "do I have to join a gym?", etc.).

"Get fit" is a weak promise, though. It's not concrete. How would someone know if they are fit? Is it being able to run a mile without collapsing from exhaustion? Running a marathon? Bench pressing 300lbs? What?

Also, how do I know this is for me? Is this a product for men? For women? For young people? Old people? Busy people? Office workers? Housewives?

The fitness market is huge and your competition is numerous and highly sophisticated. You will be far, far more successful as an upstart if you can laser-target your offering. It doesn't matter if it would work for everyone; "everyone" is a market that is much, much too expensive for you to reach. Once you are successful with your initial target market, you can leverage that experience to expand into others.

Having testimonials is very, very good... but are they real? The first one has a woman's picture, but is improbably captioned "Aaron K." Clean that up for sure! Don't use fake testimonials. You'll probably get away with it, but it's dishonest, and who wants to risk getting sued by the FTC?

The testimonials will also be much more powerful if you can get some concrete (i.e. objectively measurable) results into them. Before-and-after pictures are widely used in the fitness industry for a reason!

To sell your product: 1) start with a laser-targeted market... get as specific as you possibly can; 2) find out these people's biggest pain points around fitness; 3) promise them an amazing (but realistic) concrete result that they will achieve by using your service; and 4) back it up with proof in the form of testimonials and samples.

But on this particular landing page, it looks like you're just trying to capture leads in exchange for a bribe. The basic strategy is very good; if you can build a good relationship with your prospect list, you can sell them just about anything.

But you will have ridiculously better results by instead giving people something they can use right now. Give them a free workout plan by email (or a week's worth of plans, dripped out over several days), just for signing up. With a little programming work, you could even give them a customized workout... take them to a web form where they enter some basic parameters like age, weight, fitness level, and then have a script that uses those selections to choose from several possible plans.

If you send them something they can actually use immediately, that's much more valuable than vague offers of discounts, etc. It's actually compelling, especially if you do a good job of selling them on the benefits that your free workout plan is going to deliver to them (more energy, more mental clarity, higher self-confidence, more attention from the opposite sex... speak to whatever you know are the hot-button concerns of your market). This has more benefits for you than just getting the prospect onto your email list: they've now had an opportunity to sample your offering and receive real benefit from it, so they know you're for real, and hopefully, you've whet their appetite for more.

(That rambled on longer than I expected; hope it's not too overwhelming. Send me an email if you want to go into depth on any of that.)