Taming Doubt

I'm not that wise. Sometimes when I have a good idea can't help fantasizing about receiving awards. Lately I've seen myself teaching young people about my accomplishments. Knowing this is completely ridiculous is not enough to stop it. So maybe I should try meditation.

I was about to ask if anyone knew how to find a meditation class, but then I googled it myself:

http://www.ehow.com/how_2222761_meditation-teacher.html

Having read the thing, two quotes come to mind. "In biblical terms, there is nothing new under the sun":

"You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life."

-- Commencement address by Steve Jobs

"The scientist has a lot of experience with ignorance and doubt and uncertainty, and this experience is of very great importance, I think. When a scientist doesn’t know the answer to a problem, he is ignorant. When he has a hunch as to what the result is, he is uncertain. And when he is pretty damn sure of what the result is going to be, he is still in some doubt. We have found it of paramount importance that in order to progress, we must recognize our ignorance and leave room for doubt. Scientific knowledge is a body of statements of varying degrees of certainty — some most unsure, some nearly sure, but none absolutely certain. Now, we scientists are used to this, and we take it for granted that it is perfectly consistent to be unsure, that it is possible to live and not know. But I don’t know whether everyone realizes this is true. Our freedom to doubt was born out of a struggle against authority in the early days of science. It was a very deep and strong struggle: permit us to question — to doubt — to not be sure. I think that it is important that we do not forget this struggle and thus perhaps lose what we have gained."

-- "The Value of Science," address to the National Academy of Sciences (Autumn 1955) in What Do You Care What Other People Think?: Further Adventures of a Curious Character, Richard Feynman.

I liked the article. Although my ego swings from euphoria to depression depending on the positive or negative feedback, ultimately I feel I'm just an instrument of something bigger existence (I'd call it Muse if I'd be an artist, but I don't know any Goddess of Programming) and the only way to satisfy myself is, um, to let She drive me to wherever She wants to go, apart from how my ego feels by the feedback. In other words, it is the to-be-done work itself that demands me to work on it. It seems that some creators (writers, musicians, etc.) mentioning same kind of drive.

This is why it helps to have one or two colleagues you really respect, who really respect you. If you're confident that they're very good, then if they think you're good too, you must be good, right?

I find this satisfies my need for the approval of others, while being much safer than looking for the approval of a dozen, hundred, or ten thousand readers or users.

So should I feel bad for feeling bad about myself for not achieving this level of understanding?

I really hope people vote for this comment.