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Comment by pflenker | Hacker News Reader

I don’t want to be limited to „meaningful connections!“ I stay in close contact with those who are dear to me outside of social media. I want to stay connected to some random coworker I enjoyed working with in 2011, because I enjoy watching them from a distance, getting married, settling down, that kind of stuff, and occasionally comment on these things. This used to be a strength of social media before algorithms came in and decided that because I am not liking every post of that person it follows that I am not interested.

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This desire to follow people’s lives from a distance without necessarily interacting with them in the world is the root of the very unhealthy parasocial tendencies driving social media. It seems quite innocent and benign on the scale of one person just wanting to keep up with the life of a cool coworker from the past, but it quickly adds up to a bunch of people passively following other people with very little actual interaction. It is more akin to reading a novel or watching a movie except that social following tricks our brain into thinking we really are keeping up a relationship with the people that we’re voyeuristically watching.

Youre touching at something subtle and nuanced that most dont understand.

Counterpoint: This ability to "follow people's lives from a distance without necessarily interacting with them in the world" is the only way I have of renewing old friendships with childhood friends, schoolmates and friends from college.

It is a HUGE social benefit to me, as I've moved far away. I don't need Abe's phone number, Betty's email, and I don't expect even Christmas cards updating me on Charlie's family. But if any of them post on FB that their parent or child or dog just died, graduated, or got married (in a progressive animal-rights nation), I can make an effort to let them know I care.

I've never heard of anyone thinking that they are keeping up a relationship with someone by watching them via social media from a distance. This sounds like a made-up concern to me. There is no difference to asking someone how someone else is doing, a phenomenon as old as humankind, probably.

I wonder if that voyeuristic use case is good for people/society. People used to naturally fade from each other's lives, maybe you saw each other in the street if you stayed in the same area, you could ask them about their life in person. If you were closer friends, they'd show you the photos of their wedding or vacation when you visited for dinner or hung out.

Even in the early version, these life updates became a competition of who has the fancier wedding pics, who went to a trendy vacation spot this year etc., leading to an idealized picture of how the life of everyone else is going.

It's a bandaid on the lifestyle of having to move cities all the time and cutting connections. Seeing their life updates doesn't really keep the connection alive, it's an illusion.

I disagree that being interested in the life updates of someone as being equivalent to a voyeur.

There are people who fade out of one’s lives for various reasons, but it doesn’t mean that the relationship has to end at that. There are many schoolmates, coworkers, etc. who I wish l I had some idea where they were now, which I don’t have right now because of my general avoidance of social media.

This is just a way of keeping on the pulse and generating common context if said pair were to meet again, instead of simply awkwardly smiling and trying to end a conversation as soon as possible.

Reading someone’s life updates and watching their videos is not keeping up a connection though. It’s a parasocial relationship that makes us feel like there is a connection whereas an actual connection would require interaction between people. As you rightly noted, one of the main outcomes of the parasocial relationship is that it replaces real life interactions - you no longer have to ask people questions about their lives or figure out how to make conversation when you do see them; you can just reference their social media posts.

Yes, getting to know someone used to be a gradual process. During the time window when public posting about frankly quite private moments of life was common (Facebook ~2010s), it was weird how much you would see of a person upfront. You saw surprising overlapping acquaintances, prior vacations, party photos, hobbies etc... See photos of your teachers or profs with their spouse etc. I don't think it's normal. It was a weird phase.

But if I had the possibility of being updated in someone’s life, or even just having a contact option, would help me evaluating if this relation is worth being kept or refreshed or terminated.

Example: I was an employee with my first fulltime job for nearly ten years. After I quit the job I instantly lost contact to all people. I would have needed to actually go the company building to chat with them (or calling at work), which I didn’t because it was Covid time. But on XING (LinkedIn-like platform for Germany) one former colleague left his private phone number for me, and I messaged him (after some years, because I was in a depressive phase), and now we meet every two or three months.

So it’s not about voyerism for me but keeping contact or at least give me some hints if any relation might be worth pursuing. I don’t want (or need) people in my list just for being a watcher of their life.

Is it voyeuristic to read and observe what people are broadcasting, either publicly or to a closed circle?

I dunno, if I don't want anyone to see the post I will not post it or limit its visibility, I am very much in the same camp as the person you're replying to.

People who I lost regular contact with but am totally happy to meet again once a year or every couple years. (Does not mean more often would be bad, just being realistic). Which we actually do, from time to time.

We also have a Slack with old colleagues form one company, but it's mostly a way to contact them or for the occasional tech question and chitchat, so it's even more closed off - but no different than broadcasting events, really.

But I'm also not arguing that it's strictly needed.

Maybe that's not the right word, it's too pejorative. What I mean is looking at someone's private life without them narrating it to you specifically and being aware in real time that you're looking at it. I'm not claiming anything negative about its ethics or similar. That's not my point at all. I'm just asking whether it is conducive to real social connection and whether it really produces and maintains the kind of ties that it supposedly maintains or if it's an illusion. Sure, it's nice to reconnect with a long lost classmate or "interesting" to see the baby pics of that one college friend you last talked to in 2012. But to what end exactly? If it actually leads to regular IRL hangouts that's great. Otherwise it's just some kind of nostalgia trap.

> if I don't want anyone to see the post I will not post it or limit its visibility

Yes, and nowadays people tend to share less. Exactly because in the 2000s these instincts were less sharp and then people realized that a wider circle of people is looking than they thought and things remain online for long.

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