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As a former MSFT employee who disparages Microsoft on a regular basis, I ask: ‘dafuq did you get that idea?

That seems literally illegal, unless the disparagement would reference specific, classified programs.

For life? How can you be bound by this? Unless you sold yourself out for an extra month pay.

I'm also a former employee but based in the US where such things are illegal.

In what country are you bound by clauses like that? I've never heard Microsoft doing something like that before.