I've used PHP a lot, work at a name-brand startup that uses a fair bit of PHP in the stack, and have an OSS PHP project I'm proud of (
https://github.com/shaneharter/PHP-Daemon). That is to say, I'm not a PHP hater. I see many flaws in the language, many many actually, but I'm not a hater.
But I wonder if maybe you're blind to the ways your PHP is different. Dozens of modules and hundreds of functions come directly with the language core. And very very esoteric stuff. Why does my programming language have a function to tell me specifically what day Easter is? Whaa? Why do I have to recompile my programming language to install new libraries? (PCNTL, for example).
If PHP is a salad bar, Python (for example) is prix fixe.