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Certainly something a hell of a lot simpler then x509 - and without assumptions from the 1990s hardcoded into it

Is it really X.509 that is the big “problem”? If so, I fail to see how.

So basically you trust something because you have a long chain of assurances that you trusted it before? Kinda like certificate pinning.

no alternative. just eliminate the thing not liked. it's called being DOGEd