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Comment by millipede | Hacker News Reader

I've been throwing moderately large parties the past 2 years (12-40 people) and the lack of partying is definitely noticeable. Most people don't reciprocate, making it disheartening to keep doing it. I wanted to build friendships out of it, and hopefully get invited to more parties myself, but so far it hasn't happened. It's a decent amount of set up (cleaning, buying food, coordinating), and a lot of clean up after too. The ROI isn't where I want it.

I kind of wonder if people have just forgot what to do after the party is over. I had hoped it would be "that was so fun, we should host one", but instead it just kinda fades away in their minds.

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> The ROI isn't where I want it.

I know this is HN, but sometimes - maybe, hopefully, sometimes - neither R nor I is involved in an action.

If you aren't enjoying doing it then by all means stop doing it. But throwing a party isn't supposed to have deliverables or action items.

To each their own.. but I think throwing a party to make friends is a totally reasonable plan and expectation. And if it isn't working out, then the ROI isn't there.

I go to "couples game nights" with my wife and her friends even though I don't really like them. But I like having friends in the neighborhood. So it's worth it to me when one of her friends husbands (who is now my friend) shows me the deck they've been building in their backyard all because I went to a somewhat painful game night.

I think you have it nearly completely backwards. Society would be far better off if more people were willing to do the "un-fun" things (like planning and hosting a party) in order to socialize. GP should be applauded.

Right, when OKRs and KPIs and other startup bullshit jargon are applied to parties, maybe it’s not really the spirit of a party at all, is it?

It's a slightly jargony way to say "it isn't worth it to me", which is totally fine. Come on.

It still seemed weird to me, and I'm trying to view it in the most generous light possible.

When I was younger there were folks who were just known as "the people who threw parties", simply because they loved throwing parties. They didn't view it as some expenditure where they expected any mutual return - the party was the return.

Now, of course there were some actual expenditures for food/drinks, and also the cleanup time. But the host would simply ask people to pitch in, and people always did.

The "ROI" comment just struck me as a mindset that views relationships transactionally. Yes, relationships are and always have been at least someone transactional (not many folks are going to continue spending time and effort on a relationship they don't feel is adding to their life), but not in this "mathmatical" tabulation of it.

Very few people want to host/organize other people.

The end goal of throwing parties shouldn’t be friendship or getting invited to other people parties, it’s building a large loose network of people you’re acquaintances/shallow friends with and becoming a super connector.

If you ONLY want to make friends or get invited to parties I think focusing on finding specific people and spending time with them 1:1 is a much better way to do that.

Damn, I always thought the end goal of throwing a party was to get buzzed and have a good time with friends.

Many commenters focusing on the ROI part of your comment but I totally agree with your premise based on my own experience as a young person.

How I would word it is younger people are generally less inclined to invest in (real/in-person?) social interaction. I suspect some bar for motivation or entertainment has changed so people don't socialise the same. Probably intertwined with rise in mental health issues too. Be less interested in socialising and it's no surprise the result is less socialising, in one form or another.

In my experience yeah people don't often reach out or reciprocate effectively when it comes to socialising. Or they stick to a very small group.

> I wanted to build friendships out of it, and hopefully get invited to more parties myself, but so far it hasn't happened.

From this and other comments, it seems you think you didn't make friends, because you're not invited to other parties. There seems a leap here.

If the others are holding big parties and not inviting you - sure.

If they just don't throw parties, then they likely are still your friends :-)

But as another commenter said: Going to parties is not necessarily the best way to make friends. Whenever I go to a big party, the host is way too busy to spend a meaningful amount of time with me. Of course he's not going to become my friend that way! Going to big parties is for guests to make friends with other guests - not with the host.

I have some good friends who throw only big parties - I've stopped going to them. What's the point if I can't interact with them?

That's about the right size for a potluck. Set a rough guide for the main and have people post what they're bringing. If they're good friends they'll put their dishes in the washer/sink and some will help clean before they leave. If they aren't good guests (bring something + fun + clean up) they don't get invited back. Have it once a month on the same day. Plan to rotate it and talk about it at the party.

Of course people have all sorts of different ideas of what a party should be, what to bring, and what to do while you're there, but doing it all yourself is really hard. If you're getting it catered with cleaning staff, it's very different than having mostly the same close friends, month after month year after year.

If you happen to live in San Diego, I'll happily invite you to my parties! They generally involve board games, making a fire, having dinner, watching a movie, or going to the beach. Alcohol optional. Not super wild, but always a good time for me :)

I am in SD and would love an invite. I am keep thinking about uniting more like minded people for a while. My email is r@seslu.com

going to a party is less intimidating (particularly effort-wise) than hosting one

maybe co-host one with somebody who you think might enjoy hosting but is reticent to try

Also if you just want to make your own parties easier to host, you can ask the guest list if anyone will volunteer to help with specific tasks or supplies.

>cleaning, buying food, coordinating

Food? A party's just booze and music, maybe even move some furniture out of the way for a dance floor.

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