Ask HN: Anyone got advice for someone like me nearing 40s?
I will be 40 in another 6 months time. It almost feels like more than 50% life is gone. While there are some wins, some notorious, it's mostly struggle and negativity in my life.
I may get some flak for this, but start paying attention to skincare. Botox + anti-aging treatments, well applied, can do an awful lot of good.
Stay up-to-date on new tech, particularly AI. Tyler Cowen was talking about this last month, basically saying that the people who are now 40 are going to be the ones most at risk of being left behind. (http://marginalrevolution.com/marginalrevolution/2025/05/wha...)
Get those joint pains checked out by a doctor! It is easier to fix if you catch it early!
Some people get way too intense when in reality you just need to be active to be healthy. It's a lot harder to exercise at all if you blow out a knee or shoulder!
I'd add that if one is intellectually curious -- as I imagine somebody asking for advice here must be -- one's 40s are also a great time to take up a small noncommercial project. Like attempt to solve a minor theorem, or a historical puzzle.
(There are a lot of historical puzzles concerning nomenclature or the use of tools. For e.g., to this day nobody knows what was meant when the medieval French wrote of the form of armor called "double maille." (haubert doublier, haubert a maille double, and haubert clavey de double maille) But it's well attested in historical sources. If you travel to enough museums, manuscript collections, and chapels -- to inspect knightly effigies -- there's a very good chance you'll be able to figure it out. And, if you don't, I'd bet you still enjoy the ride.)
There's some scholarly support for each interpretation. The Romans were known to wear a double layer of mail, as their shoulder yoke overlapped their torso armor, though this predates the French and English by ~1000 years. There's also a good example of #2 here, though it's quite recent and not European: https://www.metmuseum.org/art/collection/search/35633
The most popular interpretation, among scholars, is #5. But there's no conclusive evidence. IIRC there was an effigy of a knight at the cathedral in York wearing double mail, but it was removed (and now thought lost) in the early 19th century.
This is the sort of ubiquitous historical question that can be solved by an amateur.
If you’re a straight guy in your 40s, get a female daughter-age personal trainer who just radiates health and positivity and is in her own stable relationship…takes the ol’ male ego right out of the equation.
You can build an amazing body (not hitting on you dude!) with Yoga. Which starts easy, then can turn hard, and 4-5 years later you got a body of iron, flexibility to reach the highest shelves, and stamina to run for hours.
Anyway, depending what you like/enjoy doing, build some muscle, build some stamina, drink less (alcohol). Be healthy(-ier)
At some point, you stop exercising "hard", and start exercising "enough". The point is the same - to stay healthy. But you are not going to hit your lifetime peak fitness. Instead, you want to build a solid base of strength so that you still are fully capable and mobile into your 70s and 80s.
As far as staying up on tech, again that depends on how long you really want to be in tech. Some people may want to remain technical for a couple more decades... but some of us are happy to let others take the lead, while we settle back into secondary positions, or pivot our ambition to leadership instead of hands-on work.
What I'd recommend is some deep introspection to decide for yourself whether you are young or old, and act accordingly. "old" !== "bad". It is more a decision of whether you are still climbing, or simply enjoying the ride at a comfortable cruising altitude. I might not get hired by startups or FAANG for being in cruising mode, but once you get to this point, you aren't interested in such jobs anyway.
The point is to figure out what is right for yourself, and don't push youth too far. There are natural changes to the pace of life as you age, and acceptance of that helps life satisfaction.
Consistent, gradual, not too strenuous is a lesson I wish I would have learned before hand.
There is “One Weird Trick” to getting hired at FAANG as an old guy. Don’t try to get in as a software engineer. Amazon, Google and Microsoft all have cloud Professional Services department where they value a combination of technical knowledge, leadership, and communication skills and you don’t have to do the leetCode grind. They are all full time positions working directly for the companies with the same (but usually about 20% lower) compensation packages with cash + RSUs.
They are positions like Solution Architects, Account Managers, Engagement Managers, Sales, and billable consultants.
That’s how I got into AWS at 46 (no longer there) and until last year at least, Google/GCP was hiring former and current AWS ProServe employees like crazy. I ignored their outreaches because at 51 I would rather get an anal probe with a cactus than ever work at BigTech or any large company again and definitely won’t be going back into an office.
Don’t get me wrong, I have no issues with business travel (been there done that).
While I am still officially an IC these days, I spend most of my time either leading implementations, doing discovery sessions as a post sales architect and some hands on work when necessary.
you have lived 50% of your life.
we live the life that is in front of us, and that is it.
life has always been a struggle. we can always assume that the rich and powerful live wonderful lives, but again this is a fantasy to make us feel better while we struggle living our own lives.
The rich and powerful are not exempt from psychological distress and struggle.
A house is a house, a family is a family, a car is a car, it doesnt matter how much they cost or how valuable they are. It is the value that we as individuals put on those things that are important to us, that makes the difference.
Im nearly 70. I am in the final years of my life.
These days I reflect back on a life well lived.
that is all we can do.
There is nothing special about life, we live and then we die. it is what we do while we are here that is important.
40 for me was the beginning of a new adventure. Afer 4 years of study, I had just qualified as a therapeutic counsellor and started going to university to do my masters degree in psychotherapy.
- married at 28 and divorced at 32
- stayed at my second job from the time that I was 25 until 34 and became an “expert beginner” and only made $7K more at 34 than I made at 25
- by the time I was 35 because of dumb decisions and the housing crash I had a negative net worth of around $300K and ended up walking away from 5 mortgages within the next two years
- didn’t get a job as a software developer making over six figures until 2014 at 40 years old.
The next ten years…
- well I got remarried at 36
- had a house built exactly three years after my last foreclosure (FHA minimum) at 42.
- got my first only and hopefully last job in BigTech (working remotely - no longer there) at 46
- we did the digital nomad thing for a year between late 2022 and late 2023
- sold my house for twice what I paid for it last year and moved to a smaller condo in (cheaper state tax free Florida)
- my wife and I still travel a lot and planning on spending 3-4 months next year away from home - 1 month in Costa Rica in the winter and the summer domestically.
I never won the startup lottery, spent my entire career until I was 46 in 2020 as a journeymen enterprise developer, 3.5 years in BigTech wasn’t get rich money. It was a pay off debt and pivot strategy.
My life until I was 40 was messy with a few bright spots - met my now wife at 36 and (step)kids, made a lot of great friends while teaching fitness classes part time, etc.
As far as “ageism”, I have found it easier to get a job post 40. Including in 2023 and last year.
I feel like I've had ~20 years of 'conscious adult' life, and I have at least 40 left (hopefully) - so only ~33% is gone !
Anyway, "Life is not the amount of breaths you take, it's the moments that take your breath away"
If I had a time machine which only went back to my 40s I'd possibly only say invest more for the future and exercise a shitload more. Most of the really embarrassing faux pas happened before this time.
I would also say deciding not to tear up my personal and work relationships like so many around me and instead invest in fixing what's wrong in them paid off.
I believe Peterson's "Future Authoring" does something similar, but I haven't tried it yet (perhaps this summer I can make the time to try it out).
If you are journaling, go back and skim through your journals (older first --> recent last) and see the changes (and trajectory/future/outlook).
(Depending on the language you read it) Hector Malot writes on En Famille: don't read newspapers, they are a waste of time. I try to stay away from the news, and listen to (few) podcasts much-much later to see if what they were saying "1 day after the XYZ event" actually played out or not". That gives a better measure/perspective of how much trust to put in those people/discussions.
As you write "50% gone" you've revealed a counting, quantitative mindset, so ask yourself if that's how you directly find life, or have you unconsciously adopted this way of thinking.
There's great news: the entirety of human history has left trails for you to follow and some of them lead to enlightenment and beauty.
There's terrible news: a lot of them lead is ugliness and pain.
All of it comes to bodily death. Is that good or bad news?
Since you've awoken to the idea of a conservation of yourself, and given that your question provides that you don't know what this means-- which indicates a normal orientation in midlife-- maybe you're ready to earnestly explore history?
I assert that science knows little about life and never will. But it can reveal opportunities and hazards.
It is in the arts and philosophy that the seeker may further prosper.
What value do you find is obtained from wealth and accomplishments?
What does history reveal about the others in your situation and with your views?
Can you engage with and trust your direct experience? How do you adapt to pain and pleasure?
Adventure.
I'm in my mid 40s, willingly neglected personal health for others because they needed more. It worked out and I'm back focusing on myself. I honestly considered myself lucky as I see some other burned out or broke down due to lack of self care.
1. Get your finance/insurance in order. Financial stress is the #1 killer. You don't need to be rich like on social media. Just be comfortable with a safety margin.
2. Get your physical/mental health in order. Working out or find a sports that you can share with others will help you a lot.
3. Make some friends. I've lost a lot of friends over the years, and covid accelerated that as many have moved. Playing sports can give you a sense of friendship. The group that I climb with are now talking a climbing trip this and next year. It's great.
Sometimes it feels like a step downwards - divorces, lost family members, career changes. Some have kids and can't do the things they once did. And in time, you'll pick up injuries and health problems. If you plan to fight and resist change, do so, but if you can't, then accept the new roles.
You'll have an effective afterlife (kids) to fight off that existential dread, and you'll be too busy to be thinking such futile thoughts. It did for me, anyway.
And, it's kept me younger. We have running competitions, weight lifting competitions, sports competitions. The days I could beat my kids at running are long gone. Now, one's about to beat me at weightlifting. It's really something beautiful about the human condition, watching your kids grow and slowly beat you at everything.
Raising kids is challenging at any age, but I can't think of a more perfect time in my life.
If you're having children because someone on the internet told you to do so, I'm sorry for your children.
Pfft. This describes your comment. The OP was asking for Internet advice. I gave mine. Disregard it, if you don't like it. Nobody has to blindly follow advice, if it doesn't make sense to them.
I don't know about you, but I've gotten countless bits of wisdom from the Internet.
Do you take it knowing the addiction risks? You obviously say yes! Perhaps you just accept for the 5 million?
But what if the consequence is that you die in 24 hours? You quickly change your mind. No way do you take that. I 10x everything, $50 million usd. I even arranged and schedule the perfect 24 hours of hedonism before it starts. You still decline right?
You just found out, waking up each morning is worth more than $50 million usd.
In life, you have 3 big luggages to carry around. The past(40 years of 'struggle and negativity'), the present, and the future that you cant predict.
You can only carry 1 luggage. If you carry the future luggage, you're going to be fearful and anxiety from your imagination. "But what if ___ happens if i do X"
If you carry the past, you're going to ruminate about things that you cant change.
The only luggage you can carry is the present. Live the present moment. Carpe Diem.
It doesnt matter your age, in 300 years from now... Trump will be remembered. Virtually nobody else will be remembered. Spend your day in a way that you enjoy because nobody else cares or will remember what you did.
And from his point of view, it might have been very fun to go through all of this in his 70s.
It feels that way because it's true. I'm 42 and it's very very very beneficial to understand that you are going to die sooner than you think.
Knowing that, what are you going to do with the time you have left?
Figure out what you want to do in life and go after it. Not just career, but the other stuff (travel, companionship, hobbies leaving a legacy, etc)
You still got a couple grand slams left in ya but you have to be intentional about it
Welcome to the club. Pick up your membership card next to the stale donuts.
For me for whatever reason, that extreme fear is heights and flying. I had an extreme fear of flying to the point where I would refuse to fly and instead take any combination of ship + bus to get to destinations. Had it my whole life.
I would consider myself a very intense person. I’m a nihilist now, I don’t think there is any point to life at all. Truly it’s not been something I’ve ever been able to shake, so lately (last month) I’ve embraced it. I’m only 30. I’ve seen and experienced things in life that have completely broken me.
7 months ago i got diagnosed with adhd. 6 months ago I lost my job. 5 months ago almost to the day, my fiancé left me over a 10 minute phone call, after 7 years together. Took our dog with her. Blamed me for everything failing. Everything was my fault. Now our place is being sold. Lost all my friends over those 7 years and had no social media.
I was in the darkest pit I have ever been in my life. Complete despair. I hit the gym as hard as possible, ate healthy, started twice weekly therapy, started going to events to meet people, started cycling, started rock climbing.
None of that did anything to shake the intense depression and despair and underlying nihilism. Truly I had come to terms with the fact that I’ve had thoughts that you can’t “un-think” and I truly think most people don’t ever break down that no matter what you do life is pointless, low to the point that you think most people are living in ignorance of the pointlessness of living.
So I tried pushing myself harder and harder. My life, I’ve been in several relationships that have failed. Been madly in love a few times. I’ve built viral software (300,000 users). I’ve sold software. I’m self taught. Backend/frontend/low level/graphics. I’m an Electrical Engineer too. I’ve pitched at and won startup comps, made and raised money. Owned a home. Worked with sick animals, walked dogs for a living. Been hiking, done woodwork. Been engaged. Failed papers. Aced papers. Been in a jail cell. Been in an ambulance. Have arthritis. Been in fights. Been beaten up. Taken drugs. Dissociated. Been skinny. Been fat. Been ripped. Almost drowned. Been in a car accident.
None of that did anything for me.
But last weekend I booked a solo flight for myself to a destination I’ve never been to. This is something that I’ve told myself I’m not capable of my whole life. Because I realised I probably wouldn’t be around much longer unless there was drastic change in my life and perspective.
On the tarmac, the moment those plane engines started up I got super excited for the first time in years, because I realised either i die on this flight and it doesn’t matter anyway, or I push through fear and scare myself. I pushed through the fear and felt a rush.
That was only a few days ago. Now I’m booking a global flight to see the other side of the world in 4 months time to do some solo travel. Then more flights after that. I also just did the best rock climbing I’ve ever done, prior to that experience I’d be clinging onto the wall for dear life, but that last session I just flew up the wall without a care in the world.
I’ve realised now that I’m just an intense person and I can’t live a mundane life. So I need to lean into it and seek fear.
I can tell you for free that material possession and earning money is definitely not the answer. In fact, get rid of most of the shit you own because it just bogs you down.
Pushing through fear has been the breakthrough I’ve needed in my life, and no one could do it for me. I feel like a different person.
This may sound stupid, but maybe we all need to get punched in the face. We spend our modern lives constantly in the past, in the future, anxiety and existential dread about what is coming, what may come to pass, how will we deal with it, grief and loss, thinking about fucking money and relationships and housing.
Go to a boxing gym, and spar with someone. Introduce some danger into your life. No one wants to get punched in the face. I guarantee you getting the shit beat out of you, and you doing the same to someone else, will have you in the moment. When you’re actively getting attacked, there is no time for anxiety or depression or grief. Just “do I duck left, or do I duck right”.
Stop waiting for life to happen. Go out and do dangerous shit.
I’m not advocating for being reckless. But my new philosophy is: if life is pointless, then the only rational response is to do whatever makes you feel most alive, regardless of social conventions or personal anxieties real or imagined
Rock climbing is a great way of seeing places no one see and meeting interesting people. For instance I loved climbing in Yangshuo, China. I've climbed in most of the continents but am more keen on whitewater kayaking, which is also a great way to experience the world.
My two worst life experiences (physical and emotional) have been my biggest drivers for growth and looking back on how I get over them gives me a lot of strength.
Good luck!
I’m basically at the point I have to think and try radically different things to survive.
I’m really enjoying rock climbing and I hope to start doing outdoor climbing like yourself.
All the best
Sorry to hear about everything you've been so far. Things have been rough for me as well lately. The only thing that keeps me from falling into nihilism and despair is God.
I hope you find peace.