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Add 1 tbsp psyllium husk to your diet so pooping is like extruding pasta instead of an EBM (explosive bowel movement). Second, learn how to twerk.

I live in Japan.

My own bidet has quite the pressure and movement pattern. I still use paper afterwards, but typically all it does is dry.

Then you have a cheap one. The high-end ones can deliver almost painful pressured water and agitation patterns.

Not sure about cheap versus expensive. I have a $20, purely mechanical one which has an almost painful maximum pressure. No programmed patterns, though. (For what it’s worth, this $20 cheap-o still makes a big difference.)

The ability to aim is pretty definitive. I'm sure that it could be implemented for less than $100 rather than luxury brands costing 10x more.