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Comment by allenu | Hacker News Reader

I have a couple of friends who I would call non-askers. It drives me crazy and makes me not enjoy spending time with them. When I do hang out with them, I'll ask them what's new and they'll gladly tell me in great detail all the life issues they're facing and what they've been doing lately, but they never reciprocate. As in the article, if I stop asking questions, the conversation just hits a lull and they don't think to return the favor.

On the other hand, the really great askers make you feel like the most important person in the room. You'll answer their questions and they'll ask really good follow-up questions to show they're listening and that they care.

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My sister is an extrovert and has about a small village worth of friends. She used to hold parties before she had kids, and would invite me.

I'm an introvert so would dread these, but always ended up enjoy going when I did.

One day she called me the day after such a party to say it was nice of me to come, as she would, but added "everyone always enjoys it when you're there, you're so good at making people feel seen".

I got really taken aback by that. I hadn't thought about that at all, I was just coping with my social anxiety by asking people questions.

Years later I was at a family function, and a relative had a new girlfriend from the US. I noticed not many talked to her except her boyfriend, so I sat down and started to ask some questions. We ended up talking for several hours until everyone else had left.

At the end when it was time to go to bed, she suddenly started crying. We asked what was wrong but she just said "you have no idea how good it was to just talk to someone".

She'd been in the country for a couple of weeks at that point without really having anyone else but her boyfriend have a conversation with her, despite meeting his family and such many times.

That also moved me. While I had noticed she was a bit alone that evening, I hadn't considered how much it could mean to her. I was just thinking she would be interesting to talk to being from another country, and figured she might be a bit bored so hopefully I could alleviate that.

Again, I don't feel like I'm doing anything special. I'm curious so I like discovering new stuff. I try to find what people are passionate about, as that's almost always something I don't know a lot about and so I can discover a lot of exciting new stuff. And doing that helps me overcome my social anxiety.

However, I do try to listen to people and I try to respond thoughtfully. How else can I have a meaningful conversation?

Why do you wait for them to ask you? Why don't you just talk about the life issues you're facing in great detail? Why don't you interpret the lull in conversation as, now it's your turn to contribute?

It's not about not returning a favor. It's just two styles: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=43864532

Oh, I have tried that strategy and it's usually met with lack of interest, which to me is a sign maybe I don't have much in common with them anymore.

I can recall one conversation where I was doing a lot of asking in a phone conversation with a friend and he was talking for maybe an hour about what was new in his life and there was a natural break and I realized I didn't really talk too much about myself and so I did, and the conversation just died. He didn't ask more questions or show a lot of interest in what I was saying. I don't think it's always different communication styles.

To me, a good conversation, and not one where you're just exchanging information for some utilitarian purpose, is a back and forth where you share stories, ask for details, show interest, and really connect. It's not just a "I'll talk for a bit and when I'm done, you talk for a bit". I've been in those types of conversations too and often I afterwards feel like I didn't really connect with another person. I just used them to share something I found interesting and they did the same to me. I didn't really gain insight into who they are.

Of course not every conversation has to be a deep connection, but in the context of dating (as in at the start of the article), that's got to be your primary goal.

For sure, sometimes it's not the conversational style, there's just a genuine lack of interest.

And yes, during a topic you're obviously asking for details and showing interest.

But it's more the in-between topics that I'm referring to. To me, a good conversation is when the other person just naturally builds -- "OMG, that reminds me of" or "let me tell you about when" or "funny you say that, in my own family...".

I find the most awkward conversations to be the ones where there's silence and then someone feels compelled to ask a forced question. "So, uh, do you have any siblings?" "So how long have you been at your job?" "Do you like living in the city?"

But that's my point -- in my experience, a good conversation is when both people are constantly jumping in. Nobody has to "wait for a question", or wait to be asked to talk. People just talk, because the interest is obvious.

To me, the best start to a conversation isn't "so, how was your day?", but rather, "you would not believe what happened to me today!" or "OMG I'm ready to murder my boss."

Right. I always figured I was a poor conversationalist, because I'm fairly quiet and sometimes don't know what to say. But since reading online about the difficulties people have with conversation, especially in a dating context, I feel like a master at it.

Sometimes it doesn't work well, but when it's working, it just flows, and no one really asks a question in that interview way. Adam says something about work, and that prompts Betty to relate a story about school, which makes Adam think of a friend who did a funny thing, etc. A few hours later, you notice the waiter would really like you to pay the check and get out.

My therapist told me it's not my place to manage others' emotions. I'm usually not out there to make anyone feel like they're the most important person in the world.

I just wanted to highlight the vast difference between conversationalists who are terrible askers and those who are really, really good. I definitely don't have the personality to be the greatest asker at all times, but it's good to see what a difference it can make on conversation and relationships to work on asking more questions.

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