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It does seem that who you wanted to be was just you plus a bunch of stuff. I guess most people think of who they want to become personality-wise but maybe it's just me.

> It does seem that who you wanted to be was just you plus a bunch of stuff

My knee jerk reaction to this was "how can anyone be anything but 'just who they are'". I think I get what you mean though. Many people dream much bigger than what they are actually capable of accomplishing. Maybe that was my real advantage. I've always been pretty grounded, and I've never really dreamed bigger than I could accomplish.

It may be that by not dreaming big I'm not reaching the absolute fullest potential I could, but it also means I accomplish many of the things I set out to do which is also a good feeling

I'm a firm believer in building strong foundations before reaching for the stars, and I guess my path somewhat embodies that

> I guess most people think of who they want to become personality-wise but maybe it's just me

Again I sort of think a lot of this boils down to people not having a good sense of their own capabilities. If your goals and your capabilities aren't aligned, you're very likely to crash out imo

Oh, I've crashed out a couple of times. Enough to learn any verbal answer I give to the question "who are you?" is a lie, and that the same goes for everyone else in the world, too.

If I read you correctly (from your workmanlike if somewhat stilted English) as German, I grossed last year a bit over 2x, just in cash comp, than that "top 3%" you're bragging about.

I kept a hell of a lot more of it, too. That's because my tax regime advantages winners and yours advantages losers. That's okay; losers need to live, and I don't take what would be the significant deductions on my charitable donations in any case, just my first time homebuyer's and honest credits like that.

Then I quit that job in November, because life's too short and what the hell could I still have to prove? I'll probably start looking late Q2, or maybe Q1 '26, who knows. I'll need to do something to support the tertiary education I intend finally here in my mid-forties to go back and get, after all.

You obviously think a great deal of yourself. That's fine. You should learn to keep a handle on it, though. You can open your mouth so wide you get your feet stuck in it, that way.

> You obviously think a great deal of yourself.

OP is commenting on the process of becoming-who-you-want-to-be. They feel they’ve succeeded. I get that this may come off as self-congratulatory, but what’s the alternative? Stay silent? Lie and say they aren’t who they wanted to be? They seem adequately humble to me, I don’t understand the hostility

> They feel they’ve succeeded.

I have felt the same.

> I don’t understand the hostility

In English we have the saying, "to speak to someone like a Dutch uncle." There is no hostility in the absence of coddling, and I have been nearly homeless and nearly dead in consequence of assumptions strongly resembling those I see and criticize.

I have recovered and am well. My concern is that my interlocutor, I hope, be warned against what I strongly believe I recognize, as very much akin to what was once my own hubris.

> I have been nearly homeless

I have been actually homeless

> I have recovered and am well.

Very glad to hear that. Same here

> I strongly believe I recognize, as very much akin to what was once my own hubris

Makes sense why you reacted the way you did then. Sounds like I hit close to home.

I wouldn't put it quite that way. My mistakes were much more often in trusting to excess and taking too much at face value. I am lately recalibrating.

I'm glad to hear we both can say we've overcome it. Keep on not fuckin' up.

> In English we have the saying, "to speak to someone like a Dutch uncle."

Do we? What does it mean?

We do! It means to give advice in rough or harsh fashion, either with the intent of bracing one's interlocutor to attend the advice given, or simply for not caring at all to soft-pedal or sugarcoat.

This is actually one of a small class of now somewhat archaic English epithets. I believe the most common survivor is "going Dutch" or "Dutch treat," which was current if slightly oldfashioned as recently as my now three decades gone childhood. That refers to a date or other group event wherein everyone pays their own way, with the heavy implication that whoever made such an invitation (or surprised their party with the news!) is a cheapskate jerk for not at least offering pro forma also to cover the tab.

None of these 'Dutch' expressions ("Dutch courage," for alcohol, is another I've seen in live use) is complimentary in original intent, because they date from some dreary war or other in the 1600s that I believe the English lost. More at Wiktionary and, from there, Wikipedia: https://en.m.wiktionary.org/wiki/Dutch_uncle

> If I read you correctly (from your workmanlike if somewhat stilted English) as German

Native English speaker from Canada, actually. My grandfather was from Germany though, so good guess sort of?

Anyways, I'm just going to re-organize some of your sentences and suggest you invest in a mirror to take a long and hard look into

> You obviously think a great deal of yourself

> I grossed last year a bit over 2x, just in cash comp, than that "top 3%" you're bragging about

> That's because my tax regime advantages winners and yours advantages losers. That's okay; losers need to live

> You should learn to keep a handle on it, though. You can open your mouth so wide you get your feet stuck in it, that way.

You should take your own advice, bud

Okay, then per the 2021 census (Statistics Canada) and relevant exchange rate (exchange-rates.org), I made after tax actually a bit under twice what you did. For a 97th percentile income of CAD$150,000 (eyeballing the highest income per age range of any range given) and an 0.83:1 rate with USD (the highest that year), that's ca $125k USD after tax compared with ca $201k, which again was cash, not equity, which at issue price was worth about half that again, for a total post-tax compensation of just over $300k US.

Of course those numbers are as bullshit as the first set since we would need to convert and compute tax on the gross and I'm not digging up brackets from four years ago. Still.

Since you seemed to have missed the point, I'll try one more time:

> I grossed last year a bit over 2x, just in cash comp, than that "top 3%" you're bragging about

You accuse me of bragging, while you are bragging about making double what I make

> That's because my tax regime advantages winners and yours advantages losers. That's okay; losers need to live

You accuse me of hubris when you call other people losers

> You should learn to keep a handle on it, though. You can open your mouth so wide you get your feet stuck in it, that way.

You're the one putting their foot in their mouth

> You obviously think a great deal of yourself

Every flaw you are accusing me of, you have demonstrated in the very same post where you made the accusation

Like I said. You should invest in a mirror and take a good hard look into it

> Like I said. You should invest in a mirror and take a good hard look into it

I did.

Why do you think I told you I quit?

  not have to worry about "who am I", but I really do think "who do I want to be" is just a much better approach

“Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes. But the more you analyze the shadow, the darker it becomes.” -Jung

Not to criticize you but just in general: does it make sense to live up to a desire dreamed up by a 4-year-old. Is it more pure? Or just naive? Why is it any better than something that an adult or present you wants? In what ways can it be worse to be dictated by a child?

Yes. I just wanted to be a scientist when I was four years old. Real life happened and graduate school has not managed to come around yet, but it is not too late for me to go back (only 33 years old). But being a DevOps engineer is far better than some of the alternatives that could have been me. One day I will finally get to that childhood dream.

When I was four years old I wanted to be a Ninja Turtle when I grew up, so I may not be the best "former four year old" to ask. Disclaimer: I didn't grow up to be a Ninja Turtle. I didn't even become a Ninja, or a Turtle. Absolute failure to live up to my four year old dreams

But when I was a bit older I knew "I want to do something with computers", because my family had a windows 3.1 computer and I liked to play games on it. Of course at the time I had no idea what anyone even did with computers. I also had no idea that in the future every single job that exists would be "something to do with computers"

I started taking computer classes in high school which got me into programming, because I wanted to make games. This is a pretty common pipeline for Millennial programmers I think

After that I went to a local university and took Computer Science. Luckily I was just dumb enough to stick with it the whole time and get a bachelors. I say dumb enough somewhat ironically. Obviously doing a BSc in Compsci takes a bit of smarts, but I had friends who became convinced they were too smart to bother with a degree, and all of them who dropped out to pursue their own path without the degree are much worse off than I am now

Anyways, after my degree I no longer wanted to work in games. I wanted to work in embedded systems. Turns out there weren't many opportunities to work in embedded systems in my local market so I got into web dev. Like I said, not my dream job, but I'm very good at it and it has been a really successful career.

So I guess to summarize:

Yes I was pretty lucky to somewhat choose a direction when I was young, even if I didn't know more than "work with computers".

However the dream path still wasn't exactly a straightforward arrow from Ninja Turtle to Web Dev. At every single step it felt like I was compromising on my dreams.

Turns out that compromise can be really good though

  I didn't grow up to be a Ninja Turtle

Have you ever eaten new york style pizza in a subway wearing cool colored clothes? You might be closer than you think..

Unfortunately no

Although I may have to make a point of this sometime now, just for kicks

I just wanted to be a turtle. Should've aimed a little higher I suppose.

In a way this is a tension between an individual and society. Children dream of big impossible things, while archetypical grown-ups just want a paycheck and a house, with a few weeks of vacation. The extent to which we abandon childhood dreams is an indicator of how much we were crushed by society (or "real world").

Carl Jung investigated this with his "puer-aeternus" (the child that was promised) and "senex" (old man) archetypes. A really interesting read, if you have time for that. In essence I think he advocated a balance, where one starts at childhood, becomes a cynical grown-up and then re-integrates his childhood fantasies back into his character, but now in a less naive and wiser way.

> Children dream of big impossible things

That's cultural bias right there. It happens only if you tell them to dream impossible big things. If you don't teach children that astronauts exist, they will likely dream to become their teacher or the janitor at school, especially the friendly, nice ones.

I won't do a better job defending Jung's ideas than the man himself in his works, but just as a friendly reply: yes, but according to Jungs theories - these are archetypes - meaning all people have a combination of one _and_ the other. There might be people who refuse to grow up and stay in a kind of perpetual childhood with a failure-to-launch and never finishing their own projects (a good book about that is "The problem of puer aeternus"), and there are also children that grow up too quickly and start being cynical and sarcastic with a know-it-all attitude, and belief that nothing is worth doing and the world is going to shit. The actual human beings are a combination of those archetypes. So an astronaut is a cultural input, in the same way that saying that you have two hands is a cultural input, but what is different is the inner attitude - do you see a lot of potential to the point that you cannot make a decision between several choices, or do you see barriers and feel a loss of meaning. Again, a healthy combination is "best".

part of being is evolving... some (if not all) of the things you wanted as a child are largely influenced by your parents/surroundings/... as you move through life and make your own path I would think that I would want my path to be carved by my own experiences/desires/... and my eventual person that I am (which is ever-changing) be made of clay that is molded vs. built by bricks when I was a child

4 year old me couldn't wait to grow up so that I could have a red sports bike and a hot girlfriend.

I now have red sport-touring bike and a beautiful wife so, mission accomplished?

Depends, do you also have the hot girlfriend?

Four-year old you wanted a hot girlfriend?

> cultural focus on "identity" (as in, "who am I") has been kind of negative for people

> many become miserable because they got mired in their identity sexual and otherwise

I think one factor is that we're always looking for a balance between doing what we want and doing what's right. When they're not the same in someone's conscience, they look for external approval that what they want isn't wrong or bad or harmful, so they can keep doing it. Especially sexually.

There's also virtue signalling as a way to get social credit, which is also usually geared towards getting something that you want, but with it either being not justified or not earned.

Interesting contrast with me - I never bothered with such questions, absolutely nobody from my peers did when growing up well into 20s. Eastern Europe raised way more normalized individuals (for their own purposes) than free world did who were not supposed to ask such questions (nobody stopped you from doing so, but you had to come with it on your own as inspiration was scarce).

Never projected any solid path, took every day as it went and just (rather well) recognized those crucial moments in life where choices are made that massively affect rest of the life. What to study, how hard to study, where to move (or not) after university, partners, if and which job to change, if and where to move further etc. But it was always just focus on now and maybe next step at most.

Anyway the path I ended up taking I wouldn't make up even in my wildest dreams. Surpassed expectations massively of all folks that knew me, be it peers or family. And overall it wasn't hard at all for me, but for others who would like to jump to last (most successful) moves it would be, since they didn't go through all those steps I did before.

Moved between 3 countries within Europe (nobody from my peers did that, max 1 and settle - nothing special on its own, but I came from very settle-asap environment). Increased my salary of Java dev cca 30-40x compared to first full time job with cca same role, ending up in maybe top 0.1% within Europe (I know, not SV, but still), while still just 100% employed (actually 90% now with 50 paid vacation days, what a deal). Living in more beautiful place than I imagined existed, in society I am proud to be part of that never ceases to amaze me (Switzerland). Backpacked the world in remote 3rd countries when most folks I know went for sunbathing at nearest beach. Picked up passions that nobody I knew back home did like climbing, alpinism, diving, ski touring, paragliding and so on.

Started very low, so far ended rather high. But it can all easily come crashing down like house of cards, well aware of that. Had a big paragliding accident last year, both legs broken, still some consequences. Good for yet another perspective alignment. Have properly wonderful small kids, thats main focus now. With kids, they take over life so effectively I don't have time nor even will for such questions. So focusing on now, and maybe next (small, not physical rather financial) move.

Am I person I used to be? Hell no I am completely different person, from core up to the rest, better, more resilient and tolerant, vastly more knowledgeable about people and world, yet always learning (ie this site is amazing for that, there is no topic not worthy learning)

Indeed it is extreme privilege and lack of adversity that would allow "who do I want to be" to be the dominant driver of personality. Most people have to amputate parts of themselves and go actively against their identity everyday to make modern ends meet. This is the basis of "Dysphoria" and cognitive dissonance when talking about the focus on identity

Adversity is what drove me, not what held me back

I was bullied relentlessly in elementary school, I got into fistfights constantly

My family didn't have a ton of money, we were very blue collar. My dad worked his way up to manager at a tool store. I am not some guy who went to an ivy league. I took student loans just to attend a local community college because I could not afford to relocate to a good university even though I had the grades. I just didn't have scholarship tier grades. I wasn't getting a free ride anywhere

I had some privileges, for sure. Having a loving family that supported me is a big one. Having the intelligence and just enough work ethic to be successful in school.

But man, I worked evenings in fast food jobs during high school to afford a car because my family absolutely could not afford to buy me even a clunker

Edit: And I needed this car desperately, because there was no nearby transit I could use to eventually get to college, nevermind getting to other, slightly better part time jobs

Like there's privilege, I acknowledge but maybe dial it back from "extreme privilege"?

You are the one who said top 3% earner. I didn't mean it disparaging, but you were coming across as a bit "let them eat cake" most people concerned with identity because it's an everyday struggle to make identity fit reality and most people have way too much to lose to risk rocking the boat . So you die a thousand little deaths everyday so you can no eat and pay bills then have a rich guy online post your comment lol .

Not to minimize but most of your adversity is "normal" almost everyone has had these struggles and they are also easily paved over with money. Also telling how it is all past tense. you described a normal "middle class " childhood through the economic collapse of the 2000s.

> You are the one who said top 3% earner. I didn't mean it disparaging, but you were coming across as a bit "let them eat cake"

I can see why you would get that impression, but what do you want from me here? From my perspective I have worked very hard to get to this place

For context, I started out 15ish years ago making ~28k USD/year as a junior software dev. I suspect this is pretty low for most people on this forum, even as a junior?

Now I make ~98k USD as a senior software dev, 15 years later. I suspect that is much lower than "top 3% of earners in Canada" sounded like? Edit: For context this would 'only' put me in the top 13% of American earners. I suspect many people on this forum do much better than I do, and the top 3% of American earners make my income look like a joke

I don't think I fit the archetype of "rich guy posting online" that you have projected on me. I do really well for myself yes, within my country and within my context, but I'm not exactly the Bezos of Canada.

> most people concerned with identity because it's an everyday struggle to make identity fit reality and most people have way too much to lose to risk rocking the boat

It is way harder to make reality fit your identity than it is to modify your identity to fit reality

> Also telling how it is all past tense. you described a normal "middle class " childhood through the economic collapse of the 2000s

By strict definition it was lower class, not middle class. But yes, lower class in the 90s and 00s was much more comfortable than it is today, you're right about that

I guess we just have different definitions of "low class" your "starter job" at 28k would have been obscenely rich to me growing up with a single mother on disability with 4 kids making 12k a year and a 2000$ asset limit.

Completely separate from the 90s boom.

Again not to be rude but you very much ARE a rich guy posting online with rather decadent privilege going off how it's just people being fed "identity nonsense" is harmful to them.

It's is another common rich guy defense mechanism to say well since I'm not bezos himself it's fine! That doesn't really assuage my point at all.

Good for you