Have you heard of I Can Problem Solve (ICPS)?
There are four rungs of a "ladder" where we want to get to the top, problem-solving. In descending order, we get explanations (if..that), suggestions ("Tell her you're sorry."), and power (the bottom rung): "Go to time-out!"
Cover of such a book: https://openlibrary.org/books/OL27073744M/I_Can_Problem_Solv...
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Five basic principles, applicable to children as young as age 4, underlie the dialoguing process. The only prerequisite is that children understand the basic word concepts used by the adult. Relatively consistent application of these principles in time helps children associate their newly acquired thinking skills with what they do and how they behave.
First, both child and teacher must identify the problem. Casually saying, "What happened?"; "What's the matter?" or "Tell me about it" not only helps the child clarify the problem but also ensures that you will not jump to a faulty conclusion about what is going on. For example, "Oh, now I see what the problem is. I thought you were mad because your friend took your truck. Now I see it's because she played with it too long and won't give it back." Discovering the child's view of the problem starts the dialoguing process on the proper course.
Second, when dialoguing, it is important to understand and deal with the real problem. The child in the preceding example thinks he has already shared his truck with his friend, but the teacher may see this child grab the truck and erroneously assume that grabbing is the problem. Actually, grabbing is the child's solution to the problem of getting his truck back, not the problem itself. The real problem is that the child wants his truck back.
Third, once the real problem has been identified, the teacher must not alter it to fit his or her own needs. Suppose that the teacher becomes intention showing the child in the example how to share his toys. Because the child is thinking only about how to get back a toy he knows he has already shared, the teacher's guidance will likely lead to resistance. In this case, attempting to teach the "right" thing to do may backfire.
Fourth, the child, not the teacher, must solve the problem. If the child is to develop the habit of thinking of his own solutions to problems and considering the potential consequences of his actions, he must be encouraged to think for himself. More than simply "listening" to the child, the teacher must actively draw out what the child thinks caused the problem, how he and others feel about the situation, his ideas about how to solve the difficulty, and what he thinks might happen if he were to put those ideas into action. In highlighting the child's thinking, the teacher does not offer solutions to the problem or suggest what might happen next. When not bombarded with "don'ts" or offered a stream of "do's," the child is freed to think through the problem and decide for himself what and what not to do. The teacher only asks questions and, through these, guides and encourages the emergence of problem-solving thinking.
Finally, the focus is on how the child thinks, not on what he thinks (in other words, the specific conclusions he comes to). Research on the ICPS program suggests that the process of a child's thinking is more important in the long run than the content of a specific solution. Attention is therefore focused on developing a style of thinking that will help the child deal with interpersonal problems in general, not on solving the immediate problem to the teacher's satisfaction (although this often occurs). Praising a solution may inhibit further thought about other ideas. Criticizing a solution may inhibit the child's speaking freely about what is on his mind. In either case, the child's thinking will shift from generating options, consequences, and causes to selecting the one thing that meets with teacher approval. In applying these principles, the teacher transmits to the child the value judgment that thinking is important, and the child learns that thinking meets with adult approval.
When Not to Dialogue
It is not possible or even necessary to dialogue every problem that comes up. In fact, there are times when dialoguing is not effective and its use is better postponed. Clearly, if a child has been or is likely to be physically harmed, your first priority is to help by removing the child from danger.