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Comment by bilsbie | Hacker News Reader

It’s crazy out there for a 40yo.

One thing I’m considering is that maybe it’s ok if friends don’t reciprocate. I think some people just have to be the inviters or relationships fall apart.

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I struggled with this after a divorce. I relied on my wife to be the inviter. When I lost her, I lost my social group too because I didn't take initiative to maintain friendships.

Now I'm 40, divorced, and have an atrophied social network. Forcing myself to become an inviter is the only path out of loneliness.

> I think some people just have to be the inviters or relationships fall apart.

As annoying as it is, this is definitely true. I've only recently become an inviter, and it's made all the difference. It helps to recognize that not everybody is an inviter/organizer.

Any tips?

Invite people to things. You’re probably overthinking it

It really is exactly this. My default mindset is "everybody's busy with their own lives, so they probably don't have time so I won't even try to invite them to X." Change your assumptions a little bit to instead assume people want to do things. If they say no, so be it. But I've found that people want to be invited out to do more things than they are, so send the invites.

I started swimming with a community team two years ago, and about 4 months in I invited them to also lift weights with me. Now there are about 8 of us that are together 5 mornings per week. Took a chance and invited them on a trip, and now 5 of us are going on a week long trip together.

Find a group of people doing something you like. If it's a tech meetup, community organization, hobby group, whatever. What it is doesn't matter. What matters is that you find people with whom you share _an_ interest. Then take a chance there and say "hey, want to meet up for lunch next week?" Or just say "hey, I'm going to see X next weekend, want to come?"

Yes here too, and I’m guilty of the focus on family over friends, but also my peers are too and it creates a bunch of people that used to be close that never really see each other because they prioritize their immediate family

Guilty? Your family is your priority. Your duties toward them come first.

This strict separation seems to be a major source of the problem, though. Raising a family used to be a communal effort. Having kids didn't mean having to sacrifice being one's own person, and having an atrophied social life. The nuclear family model is a relatively modern concept and, by all accounts, seems to be an utter failure.

Someone’s got to host the salon man. Alternatively someone organises “the gang’s[1]” nights outs and trips.

[1] Overwhelmingly it’s one guy and if they leave the nights out and trips just stop.

Does this also apply to texting? (some people always have to text first, otherwise the other will never write again). Or is it just that the other doesn't want to be your friend?

It depends on how they respond and how it goes. If the attitude is great and the time together is great, all is well. There are two sides to the coin. Being the inviter means you get to choose who to invite. Of course you have to invite people you really want to spend time with. And times change, things could always flip around, maybe one day you'll be in a position where people are reaching out. It's dynamic, like the wind.

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