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Do you think your past has perhaps effected your ability to have a solid relationship? I feel like your post is like someone saying: "I'm never playing basketball again. I have to get new shoes. I have to drive somewhere. I played on a team once and my teammates were assholes. I get tired and sweaty afterwards. I have a lot more time if I don't play basketball". Perhaps basketball could be fun with the right people. I'm not trying to convince you you need a relationship to be happy, but there is a lack of awareness it seems when you say you ar the product of multiple broken relationships and you had a broken relationship of your own and don't connect the dots. I would never want to put my child through what you describe either. There are other options then 3 different step-fathers.

Perhaps. Seeing my mother's inability to keep a spouse certainly doesn't help. And seeing everyone else around me become divorced doesn't help either.

All of the fun I had as a young man served as a constant reminder that my marriage was a downgrade from my life as a single man.

Being married to someone means that you have to take their baggage and their family's baggage.

I grew tired of being the only competent man for five women to rely on. Not only did I have to solve my wife's problems, but I had to solve her mother's problems. And her single-mom sister's issues. And the issues of her two best friends.

Life as a single man in his 20’s is very different from a single man in his 60’s.

Not sure why you thought you had to solve all these other people’s problems, but it seems to be a strong reason why you divorced - unrealistic expectations on you without them taking any accountability for themselves.

I’m going through a divorce right now, just a couple years older than you. My family is very collectivist, hers individualist. They are so individualistic in fact that they literally don’t see a problem with getting pregnant by other men (gay friend for example) because “her body, her choice”, even when married.

That said, I refuse to believe this is the large majority. Billions of females in the world, millions of potential matches. The chances that there aren’t many many good ones I can match with are vanishingly small. Granted, the effort in finding them … that’s another story.

> They are so individualistic in fact that they literally don’t see a problem with getting pregnant by other men (gay friend for example) because “her body, her choice”, even when married.

Sounds worse than individualistic. Perhaps avoidant or narcissistic.

This type of behaviour is eventually going to lead to mandatory DNA testing at birth.

>I’m going through a divorce right now, just a couple years older than you. My family is very collectivist, hers individualist. They are so individualistic in fact that they literally don’t see a problem with getting pregnant by other men (gay friend for example) because “her body, her choice”, even when married.

I'm confused, perhaps I'm just having a stroke. You mean her family doesn't see a problem with your ex-Wife cheating and becoming pregnant with her supposedly gay male friend? Or they don't see a problem with your ex-Wife gay friend (female) which is married to another woman, becoming pregnant by a third party.

Being married should mean you get to use her strength and her family's strength. Two working together. Otherwise, yeah, not worth it.

2 years out? Sounds entirely healthy.

But consider that you model healthy relationships for your son more than anyone else, and "giving up women for my son's benefit" is a strong signal.

My parents are divorced as well. It's definitely affected my willingness to enter into long-term relationships.

Agreed. My attitude may change. But I think I'm doing everything correctly during these first few years out of marriage. I didn't want to be one of those who jump right into another relationship. That isn't healthy for anyone, particularly my son.

Finding women to have sex with is fairly easy, finding women who are willing to be equal partners is very hard.

I don’t know how this gets fixed. Women don’t want to self reflect and men don’t want to lower their standards for commitment.

I don't think this even needs to be gendered. I'm not insinuating any kind of bias in your comment, it just got me thinking that this is more "people" than a gender divide where women need more self reflection and men need lower standards.

People are selfish, self interested, & caught up in their own lives. Many people suck at consistently thinking about someone other than themselves, and are not good at sacrifice or compromise. It's truly a special thing when you find someone willing to put in equal effort.

Exactly the opposite is true in my experience. Men often fail to realize just how much women are expected to contribute: https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

At least where I live men work more hours than women at almost any point in life if you include everything like household chores etc. Women still say men should do more, so them asking for that doesn't mean they actually do more.

This is very prone to cultural differences so could be different where you live.

Like I said, women don't want to self-reflect.

Many have this perception that they are contributing far more than they actually are, and they come up with narratives like this to justify that false perception.

I think men who decide to feel this way instead of having a bit of humility and working on becoming better partners will find themselves stuck in miserable relationships or going down the incel pipeline. Their loss, I suppose...?

Men are giving up on women in large numbers, just using them for sex and nothing more, precisely because so many men have this experience.

Most women perceive they contribute equally (or more), but vanishly few do by any objective measure.

Well, if we're sharing completely unsourced bollocks, this is exactly the opposite of my own experience. A good number of men in my community seem to live like slobs, take poor care of their health, have zero emotional intelligence, throw tantrums at the slightest provocation, and support brain-dead politics for purely selfish reasons, yet expect their partners to be perfect little sex maids who tend to their every need. Their value on the dating market is not nearly as high as they seem to think it is.

You're not even a women, why are you pretending to have insights here?

His insights come from having eyes and ears, and knowing men and women in relationships. Anecdote for anecdote, your reply applies to you as well. For my own datapoint, I'm a youngish man who wasn't interested in anything long-term until I met my SO.

I've seen the lack of awareness/maturity in both my dates (women), friends (male & female), and in what people say about their exes in my circle. Of course, I'm excluding cheaters, people who refuse their meds, and downright abusers in both cases. Besides people being self-centered, the common issue is learned helplessness, which manifests differently depending on gender.

Ignoring straight harassment, even "positive" attention is a problem. Some women have had at least one person being "extra helpful" their whole lives, and even when inevitably some of the helpful guys are shocked that doing those favors didn't result in a blowie, it reinforces the idea "fuck them, if men are like that at least they should do my taxes." I've had to metaphorically use a spray bottle on friends who were in princess mode and "forgot how to fold their own tent" when camping or had their SO acting as basically a manservant. The male (and much more common IMO) counterpart is the momma's boy. Doesn't do anything about the chores and common spaces and must be reminded like a child by their SO to do the basics. Then they fuck it up on purpose so others must take up the slack.

The focus on contribution I see is weird; in this economy, stay-at-home anything is becoming rare. The expectation I see in my circle is that home duties are 50-50, with both earning. Did you date/marry the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? Is this just fixating on internet ragebait?

This is an outcome of a very narcissistic approach to life which is completely disconnected to the lived reality of another that you are supposed to love. That approach to life will lead to very dissatisfying relationships, though it will also lead to a generally miserable and frustrating life, so I'd recommend working to grow out of it if you can figure out a way.

On a separate note, generalizing about half the human population isn't going to result in the reliable insights you imagine, you'll mostly find your own projections. If you don't like what you see, chances are it's a you problem.

These generalizations make no sense person-wise. Everyone has their own set of shoulds, don’ts and do-it-myselves. There’s no single law with all the bullet points.

That said, your usual selection contains [too] many people’s shoulds and don’ts, on both sides.

Root comment in this light basically boils down to I do everything myself and don’t need anyone to break this perfect system. Which is reasonable, imo. If there’s no synergy by design and a person is okay alone, that’s reasonable.

Finding women to have sex with is not easy at all, unless you are good looking. Social media and dating apps have exacerbated the situation.

Majority of men struggle to even date, never mind getting married..the epidemic or male loneliness is a serious issue of our time.

It sounds like you’ve had your fun in the early years, married a woman you loved for over a decade, have healthy children, wealth and top of it of, you had an amicable divorce, something that is extremely rare nowadays.

Unfortunately, your experience does not match the reality of many men these days, divorce is often catastrophic for them, heck even dating is impossible now. I hope you recognize and appreciate your luck and previlage.

It sounds like you’re at peace, I’m genuinely happy for you and I hope the status quo remains.

yeah there is a lot of one-off to the parent post

dude had a crazy crappy home life growing up from the sounds of it, and then partied pretty hard.

he managed to have a stable relationship that ran it's course and ended reasonable well, while maintaining stability for his kid.

all things considered a pretty decent hand to be dealt.

The year and a half I have spent single as an adult was the worst time of my adult life. I don’t see the point of living unless I have a wife who needs me.

My first marriage was a training experience that lasted five years and ended peaceably. I learned what not to do. My second has lasted 34 years, with a six month separation 15 years ago that clarified for both of us that life is intolerable without each other.

Respect is the blood and vitality of a marriage. Respect is an aphrodisiac and all-purpose cure. Respect inspires service.

We were married to the same person, except I did everything, including her laundry, and the divorce was very much not amicable.

That said: my ex-wife is a narcissistic and introverted human who does not appropriately interact with any other human, including her children; she views relationships as transactional (i.e., what’s in it for her).

While I am beyond damaged from my 25 year relationship with her and all of the insanely hurtful things she did to my emotional and mental well-being as well as my financial stability being she gets an absurd amount of alimony and all of the money she stole from the family over the years, particularly in preparation for divorce, my children need to see what a healthy relationship looks like and by focusing on them as the central point of my being, they may have that opportunity should I find someone else.

You are looking at it from a child and self-protectionist point of view and I’m looking at it from a healing one. They both have merit, but I just wanted to point out that living without a partner isn’t necessarily the only option post-divorce.

What does this have to do with the article? Do you think your experience is representative?

The bits where you talk about doing everything for her sound like you were in service rather than in relationship. I wouldn't want to sign up for servitude again either.

Yet, those sorts of behaviors could easily displace the development of relationship. Part of my being in relationship is also being supportive and doing the work but keeping it balanced has us discussing priorities and leaves us thinking, emoting, and creating together. The question isn't whether I can make a partners life good (I can) but whether they really want to know and partner with me. You may want something else though. Good luck with navigating life, it's tricky, complicated, and nuanced. I have no idea the right path but it stays worth trying to find better paths.

“I spent my formative years running wild in the Caribbean, burning through women as a plow cut through the snow.”

Yeah, there's an introspection threshold there that hasn't yet been reached.

It seems entirely and obviously self aware to me.

What is the insight you’re looking for? Or what is the category? Honestly curious what the threshold is and how you think it would exhibit.

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Depending on situation, it’s hard not to be at least a bit bitter. Divorce is incredibly painful; financially, emotionally, and mentally, particularly for those who are blindsided by it.

Don’t judge the bitterness; offer support and care as they heal.

I'm not bitter at all. I'm having a great time. I live in Auburn, AL. It's a huge college town. Whenever I need female company, I go to the gym or Publix and meet any number of random 20-30-year-old women. But I never let them meet my son, and I never let them stay at my home.