The Hidden Costs of Men's Social Isolation
scientificamerican.com
scientificamerican.com
In all honesty I could call up maybe a dozen different male friends, some of whom I’m not even that close to, or whom I haven’t know for that long, tell them, “hey I’m having a rough time, can we grab a beer and talk later?” And they’d be down. I really don’t think it’s because I’m anyone special - or because they are - even though we clearly are - I just see it as a willingness on my part to ask, as well as presenting myself as a person who it is safe to engage with on that level.
What good is being a big strong man, if you’re too weak with worry to open up about your feelings to other men? And how strong can you possibly be if your isolationist stance on platonic relationships prevents you from accessing the support of a network of potential allies? I’m all for self-sufficiency, I’m proud of the degree to which I can take care of things myself - but if anything that just makes me even more confident that when I do reach out for help, it’s not out of weakness, it’s because I’m attempting to do something that’s easier if another person is involved.
I helped a buddy install an exhaust fan for his garage the other day - maybe he could have managed it on his own, but it would have been stupidly difficult - two hands made much easier work. It seems so clear to me that you would be stupid not to treat emotional labor the same way - phone a friend, and if you don’t have one, make one, what are you waiting for??
It all seems so straight-forward to me that it’s very hard for me to muster up any sympathy for the poor straight men who can’t seem to figure it out.
Past a certain point it’s indicative of pathology, and not necessarily one they brought on themselves. Looking at the CDC data on suicide (while it’s still available) it says the suicide rate among males in 2022 was approximately four times higher than the rate among females. Males make up 50% of the population but nearly 80% of suicides:
https://www.cdc.gov/suicide/facts/data.html
I was fortunate to grow up in a family and a section of society in which being connected was natural for men and women. I benefited from it, but I did not create it. So I get no credit for it. I don’t know how mock-possum grew up, but if you grew up as I did your current healthy state is certainly good for you, but you had a head start. Like my head start of growing up in a big stone house full of books, with lovely educated and academic parents who read to me. I didn’t create that situation. I just showed up. I inherited that emotional and intellectual wealth. I did not earn it.
And men who grew up being beaten, literally, for emoting, and frankly for not being brutal, did not create their own situations either. They do, unfairly, have to do the work to get themselves out of what they did not get themselves into. But it requires more than to “just stop being that way, and start making friends you can open up to.”
Obviously not everybody is suicidal, but at the extreme you’re saying to certain people “instead of wanting to kill yourself, why don’t you stop feeling that way? Don’t despair, don’t feel suicidal, just cheer up instead!”
You really have to put in effort to connect with others. Alcohol helps. And the realisation that the others probably feel just like you do.
The hidden cost of unprepared and unlasting parents. Spare this masculinity nonsense, some of us have (and had) real problems to deal with. The bonds worth having will still forge.