It's not 'emotional labour', it's kin work
thefuturefeeling.substack.com
thefuturefeeling.substack.com
Eg. Based on experience many people tend not to send Christmas cards. They can’t understand the purpose. That’s not inherently terrible. It’s just a different viewpoint. On the other hand there’s people that couldn’t understand not sending cards.
When people form a couple there’s many things like this where one part of the couple has the bar set in a completely different location. Which I think is ok. It’s ok for one half of the couple to not do as much card writing. The workload of a relationship should be split evenly overall but if one places waaaay more importance on a particular aspect than the other it’s ok for that one to bear more of the load in that case.
The author addresses that and it fits into her desire to move away from 'emotional labor', as 'emotional' is seen as a feminine domain. 'kin work' can also be expectations to manage all home, car, and lawn maintenance tasks. Someone being able to walk in, say 'the sprinkler's broken', and walk off again is a prime example of kin work.
Yes, but there still needs to be a recognition of where the bars are and the work needed to reach them. If not, it can easily become a problem when one person doesn't value that work at all and therefore doesn't see that work being done as being part of the even split. If one partner doesn't care about the Christmas cards, they should still recognize that the other partner's work on sending out the Christmas cards is in fact work that needs to be done. That is part of what the article is about, recognizing that this emotional labor/kin work is "not dispensable" despite there being a notion it is due to historic and systemic issues.
The same thing is often the case in a relationship where people set the bar around "maintenance of social ties" very differently. The typical couple (in my totally subjective field of experience) is one where the husband is like: "Hey honey, how about we just order pizza for all of our guests for the Thanksgiving party we're hosting this year?" and the wife is like: "Over my dead body!"
Interestingly, those roles are reversed in my own marriage: We recently got married at the courthouse with a vague plan to throw a wedding party at some unspecified future date. It's increasingly looking like my wife just can't be bothered. Meanwhile, I love to cook, and when my wife suggests using stock cubes when we cook for guests, I throw her out of the kitchen and finish the job myself.
One is that it is super easy for a lazy person to say "you just care about this more than me" when in fact they care about it a lot and will complain if it doesn't happen. This is extremely common, particularly among men, even if I assume in good faith you are not one of these people.
The other is that when you enter into a relationship with someone it is just not possible to completely ignore the things they like and are emotionally invested in. If you marry someone who is a super-christmas-enjoyer then guess what, you are a super-christmas-enjoyer now too (or, to be fair, you are now both somewhere in the middle). Ignoring that you have very different expectations will just cause friction. (so if you really really don't want to care, you are going to have to consciously discuss this and agree to it, and even then I don't actually believe it will work)
There are obviously ways to balance this (she does the cards, I organize the July 4th BBQ) but it definitely requires honesty with each other and ourselves to make that work and avoid falling back on (often gendered) patterns.
A different take-- imagine the love your spouse would feel if-- even a single year out of your entire life-- you were enthusiastically engaged in a task she almost certainly already knows you have no interest in. A task, btw, she almost certainly sees as being somewhat of a burden-- no human ever finds it 100% fun to do tasks like writing a bunch of cards.
I mean, you've publicly declared how little you value that task. So it would be clear you're helping because you know that your spouse values that task, and because you know she would consequently value and enjoy doing it even more with the person she loves.
Either that, or you end up pentesting your own position here, she ends up not wanting the help, and you prove yourself right. Everybody wins!
If anyone ends up trying this out and proving me right, please track me down and pay me $10,000 as a small token of gratitude for the priceless joy I will have added to your life and marriage.
I have seen multiple instances where the stress degraded everyone's experience, and/or simply wasn't appreciated or valued by the intended recipients because they would have been just as satisfied by making their own sandwich. And sometimes, I've seen people dread the experience because of the required hours at the dinner table when they would rather be doing something less stifling.
That is, I wonder how much of this can work is actually an example of the Abilene paradox
Finally someone stood up and said "Instead of everyone stressing about buying twenty cheap gifts, how about a secret santa where everyone gets one nice gift".
Made the holidays less stressful for everyone. It just hadn't occurred to us - we bought into the obligate gift ritual without thinking.
People have different interests and values, and it's not a strict gender role thing either. It's just revealed preference.
I have never heard anyone use the term emotional labour in that way.
Somehow, though, I suspect that insinuating I need extra rest after giving my emotional labor to "plan a night out with the guys" wouldn't go over so well with my wife. I think there is further nuance to be had here.
They are saying it's kinwork
Realistically, male weakness is repugnant to a lot of women. It is a huge gamble for anyone to show any whatsoever, as it is often construed as laziness. Feminism does a great job of understanding and articulating women's problems, but hasn't got much to say about how heterosexual women can often perpetuate some of the worst elements of masculinity.
Feminism has its ups and downs but its not going to be able to fix every gender related problem everywhere. Change begins at home.
Why not? That's perfectly reasonable thing to do.
In my culture, events with the guys seems much easier to plan.
The guys will have a great time even if I only feed them takeaway pizza and beer. Barbecue hasn't been assembled? They'll assemble it, light it, do the cooking, and do most of the clean-up too. If we go out for food, we can walk into pretty much any restaurant, we all have money and we'll all eat anything. Staying the night? The guys will show up with camp beds and sleeping bags if they need to. For the first event I had a backup barbecue prepared, in case the halal guy and the vegetarian guy wanted to keep their stuff separate - turns out no worries, just do our stuff first.
And everyone has a great time! This counts as absolutely crushing it, in terms of planning events with the guys, in my society.
On the other hand, big family events? There'll be a giant spread of home cooked food. Vegetarian options, vegan options, gluten-free options. Special food for the fussy nephew who'll only eat baked beans. Some people will show up with four different cakes. Some people will have baked practice cakes in advance to test out the new recipe before the big day.
but as a dude living with a chronically depressed spouse, i just want to take a second to tell let the men who end up taking on this burden that they're not alone.
I cannot find support anywhere, though. Which makes me feel isolated. I have nobody to share my struggles with. No place to vent. No space to process it.
Only thing that has helped is therapy. After so many years I'm craving a group, though.
I 100% do the dishes. I am terrible at remembering birthdays.
Mixing the two did a disservice and I genuinely can't understand the point.
We don't need the junk and we are sick of stressing out about buying gifts.
Imagining a pre-mechanized world, I could imagine so much more "kinwork" that would fall into "traditionally male" roles. Like, helping your family and close friends with stuff like... cleaning the gutters, or putting up a fence, or painting a deck def feels like "kinwork" to me.
Although there's a lot going on in this article, the above passage is particularly interesting. When two people form romantic connections and commitments they rarely, if ever, share the same standards-of-care/needs/expectations for how their relationship will proceed. This includes how any rituals surrounding holidays, kids, and extended family should proceed.
Sometimes one partner expects/wants/needs a big gathering for Thanksgiving where the other doesn't want to celebrate it at all. Sometimes one partner strongly desires to have a "family photo" for end of year holidays to share with family or friends where the other partner does not. These may include expectation differences for physical intimacy, emotional support, etc.
Without explicit communication, understanding, and agreement (where necessary), relationships and people suffer.
Back to the above quote: reasonable people can disagree as to what's required to cultivate "kin relationships" and the degree to which those relationships are important. If there's disagreement or unhappiness with a status quo, then that needs to be communicated. If one party feels communication is difficult/unproductive/etc. then that issue should be dealt with first.
Her point on dropping the ball is interesting, too: I'm a chronic ball dropper for christmas stuff, and mostly manage it by maintaining sane relationships the rest of the time. It would really be quite nice if other people took the same approach, not least because it is increasingly well understood how much people (women) despise this kind of work. Who wants to sit down to an elaborate christmas dinner planned and prepped by someone who clearly doesn't want to do it? A better festive time could be negotiated fairly easily between everyone if the pretence of obligation was dropped. Then maybe the other stuff ends up feeling easier.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and Wisdom to know the difference."
It takes an incredible amount of work to run a household. It's not fair to ask her to do two jobs. And that's ESPECIALLY true after you begin having children.
There first thing you (as the man) must do is get off the hedonic treadmill of consumerism that will drive the desire for two incomes.
It takes an incredible amount of work to run a household. It's not fair to ask him to do two jobs. And that's ESPECIALLY true after you begin having children.
The first thing you (as the woman) must do is get off the hedonistic treadmill of consumerism that drives the desire to have two incomes.
That said, I'm not really against the thrust of your post, despite its undercurrent of sexism (I know plenty of relationships where the woman is the breadwinner and the man a househusband). In general, this "division of labor" is a thing that actually tends to work out better when you can focus on one thing at a time.
As a not-perfect analogy, I know divorced couples with kids that actually feel their shared custody arrangement is much better than when they were together (note these couples still like and care for each other, they just don't want to be married). I.e. when it's their turn to have their kids, they're totally focused on their kids, it can be stressful if they're working but they block out all their time to either work or be with their kids. Then, when it's their spouse's turn, they can do whatever the F they want, be completely relaxed, etc.
Everything in life is no longer just living or valuable in itself but has to be seen and talked about as part of an economy. It's like Cypher in the Matrix writing about the relative benefits of changing his dinner from steak to something cheaper.
Nothing now is useful if it cannot be evaluated in terms of money or capital. Even the term "emotional labour" the author seeks to replace is within this frame.
It's not "just work", it's life.
Now how can we take the rest of this comment seriously with a sentence like this?
I don't get this. What's the alternative? A customer service job where you can be rude? There are cultural norms which we all have to obey in a workplace. The classic example is don't talk about politics or religion. Others include don't be rude, don't heat up smelly food in the microwave, keep a clean workspace, don't yell or put people down, don't make unwarranted advances to coworkers, etc. Just control your emotions regardless of where you're working.
I admit that the extra work around house maintenance usually born by women (e.g. birthdays, keeping stock of things, etc) is difficult and goes unappreciated. But I don't think extending that to "I must control my emotions in the workplace" is right.
A customer service job where you can be merely polite and professional without also having to be artificially cheerful and enthusiastic. Or, if you must put on a show, at least be paid appropriately for the extra work you're doing.
> What's the alternative? A customer service job where you can be rude?
There is a lot of room between "faked niceness" and "rudeness". Nothing bad would happen if employees were allowed to behave neutrally towards customers.
Clearly you haven't been to some cities in the northeast US :).
I can empathize that someone from a place where everyone is politely addressed as "Sir" or "Ma'am" might find interactions jarring if they don't begin with a "hello, how are you doing today?"
she placed my accent correctly, asking if I was taking the train to New York "like all the other young kids with backpacks". I bellyached about the humidity in July and she let out a deep laugh. she wrapped the sandwich in halves since it would be easier to carry when I already had so much.
I still think about that interaction. I think that the Northeast has a charm to it developed by centuries of their communities existing in such tight quarters (albeit ones with a history of bitter sentiments and actions against Black people like Boston, South Philly, etc.). I wish strangers talked to each other more, because maybe that takes the edge off of directness.
Yes, it is a cultural norm. It varies from culture to culture.
There are lots of countries / cultures where "neutral" customer service - say, at a restaurant - is perfectly fine. Others have a baseline expectation for "friendly" service. To the latter, the former might come across as rude...
Different jobs require very different degrees of emotional labour.
I have to be civil and professional with a boss and colleagues who'll be civil and professional with me. That's true of almost all jobs.
But think of when you're cancelling your cable TV, and you have to wait on the phone for a long time then go through two different departments who'll try to convince you not to cancel. The workers get bonuses if they convince you not to cancel, and get fired if they don't convince enough people. Can you imagine how much of that job would involve getting yelled at by people, who are frustrated they've been on the phone for 45 minutes and they just want to cancel their damn cable?
That is emotional labour.
Create a good work environment, pay enough, and offer enough benefits that your employees are actually happy rather than having to admonish them into faking it. This has the added benefit of creating demand that allows the company to be more selective.
All of your examples are much less effort than putting on a fake persona for eight hours a day. Most of us would be pretty drained after an eight hour, cameras on Teams meeting with our boss' boss and that's pretty much what customer service is.
By the end of each day, I was completely fucking drained, and the fact that I was sending out dozens of job applications every day for years to get out of that role was not lost on me.