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Comment by bradlys | Hacker News Reader

I think this is the new norm and it will only get worse. Social media isn’t going anywhere and the amount of interconnectedness we have is also not going anywhere. Everyone will be in an environment where any social trend will spread like wildfire and you’ll have to deal with it.

I don’t think there’s much we can do. More likely to see full blown communism than some improvement to the way we’re dating now.

I’ve been single for nearly four years. On paper, I’ve got almost all the things someone is looking for. My main issue is that I can’t find women who find me physically attractive. Social media and dating apps has made physical attraction more paramount than ever but I can’t do shit about it. I’m getting surgery next month in Beverly Hills to push it along but how many more surgeries will I need before someone will love me for who I am? Who knows but I’ll keep going until I get matched.

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> Social media and dating apps has made physical attraction more paramount than ever but I can’t do shit about it.

Maybe don't look for relationships on social media and dating apps? There's a whole world out there that you won't be able to access through a screen, but you have to go out and find it. It will not come to you.

And I don't know you, but I can almost universally promise that surgery will not change the outcome. Are you physically fit? Do you smile and laugh when around other people? Do you hold yourself in high esteem? Get the basics right and the rest will follow.

Sounds like you haven't been on the dating market in a long time. There is no "just world" when it comes to human sexuality. Some people are born physically unattractive.

Most people who are college educated meet on dating apps these days. You're not going to escape lookism either by just waving some magic wand about how if you meet someone in person they suddenly can't see your face anymore.

> You're not going to escape lookism either by just waving some magic wand about how if you meet someone in person they suddenly can't see your face anymore.

Yeah, you probably are actually.

Unless you're literally disfigured most women don't care that much about the physical appearance of men compared to other things. Men care way more about this. Finding beautiful women on the arm of a man who is old or unattractive man is easy, if he has other attributes women like more.

Dating apps don't change that. It just means you have to meet and impress women outside of them. And obviously be willing to consider non-college educated, it doesn't mean they're dumb.

I met my wife four years ago, which is how long you say you've been single for. We didn't do it via a dating app, she isn't college educated, and I'm a guy of average looks yet she could easily be a model if she wanted. She also has a wonderful personality, a razor sharp intellect and is fluent in two foreign languages. There were a bunch of strategies that went into achieving that outcome that I won't go into here, but suffice it to say none of them involved surgery. They're all about how you make her feel. Not saying it's easy (it isn't), but how to do this is learnable with practice.

> Finding beautiful women on the arm of a man who is old or unattractive man is easy, if he has other attributes women like more.

Only seen this with gold diggers. I’ve never seen this in any other circumstance. It’s well accepted that modern couples are mostly paired off by their looks. You’re not seeing models with average looking guys unless she’s trying to escape poverty - which means she’s not with you but with your money.

I live in nyc and never see mismatched looks couples.

Yes I know about the psychology papers that you're referring to, and wealth can be one of those attributes, but there are many others and it wasn't that in this case. She certainly did not need to escape poverty.

You’re also in Europe. The culture is very different.

I’m living in regions where homes regularly cost $3m. It’s unfortunate but people of similar backgrounds pair off here cause it’s unfair otherwise.

> My main issue is that I can’t find women who find me physically attractive

My main issue is that I can't find someone willing to sell me $VTI at $100/share. Is it possible that your standards of what you consider a woman "attractive enough to date" are too high, and so you are filtering out potential candidates that would be happy to be with you?

Four years seems like a really long time for someone actively looking to be in a relationship to stay single, and surgery with the objective of finding a partner seems wildly extreme (just my own opinion, I clearly do not know your circumstances).

I am the most average looking (if that) man on the planet, and really never had too much trouble dating, and I live in Silicon Valley where the statistics are not even in my favor. Certainly I never went after the prototypical "Instagram model" as that would have dramatically affected my chances, but by no means I am less happy.

There really isn't a good solution here. Lowering your standards to date someone you don't find attractive just so you get into a relationship isn't healthy for you and it's not fair to your partner.

I would consider it a deal breaker if I found out my partner didn't think I was attractive.

> I would consider it a deal breaker if I found out my partner didn't think I was attractive.

Most women really feel this too. For better or worse, most women feel their self-worth is tied to their looks. If you told her that you didn't find her physically attractive (but still loved her and so on), you'd be broken up with by the overwhelming majority of women. I don't know if I've ever met a single woman who has ever said different. I'm sure they exist but may as well be a rounding error.

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