As someone who struggles with cycles of depression, but let's call it funk, I relate to the downward behavioral and thought spiral it can put you inside. Yet, inevitably, I DO get out of it. For me, it's been a combination of things, largely changes in the external environment that force internal action. I tried medication and eventually (after a painfully long time trying to find the right "fit") found some combination that got me through. But I didn't like what it did to my thoughts and, more importantly, to my perception of the world. Not to mention the physical side effects (including headaches, fogginess, and nausea), depression medication, as prescribed by psychiatrists, made me feel inevitably less ME. I did not like that. I do not like that.

So what did work?

When I was younger, I "solved" the issue by moving. I would move cities, move apartments, move jobs, and so on and so forth. And that worked! Such significant external changes forced a coming out of sorts, forced me into action that kicked me out of my spiral. It also lead to new experiences and a lot of learning! Great for young me. But as I get older and have more responsibility and weight outside of myself in my life (now including wife, children, dog, and house), I cannot in good conscience keep doing the same.

I know how this may come off, but I did try micro-dosing more recently and found it supremely helpful, not as a long-term solution, certainly not as a means to enhance my ability to achieve more in any particular task, but supremely helpful in terms of kicking me out of a vicious and unrelenting downward spiral. Enough to find my footing and make my way out, replacing it for a more upward trajectory. Once footing is found, I can stop and, on my own, work my way up. The last time I did this was several years back, and we'll see how the cycles go from here.

All that to say I have found no perfect solution. I still search, though not as desperately as before. And time, more than anything, has its sway.

Why write this? Perhaps I'm just feeling introspective in the new year.