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Comment by secstate | Hacker News Reader

Yeah, funny how the divisions appear when it comes to folks who have dependents (not just kids, adult dependents count too), and those who are el solo lobo.

I will add to your note a (hopefully) friendly reminder that parenting does not need to be as involved as some folks make it out to be. Some of the best parts of my kids days come when I just leave them alone in their room, ignore their "i'm bored" whinging, and do my own thing. It's not selfish, it teaches them to find their own motivations. My 8 year old fell back asleep on the couch for 20 minutes this morning after breakfast while complaining about being bored and is now building a marble run with a toy we had to dust off together this weekend.

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I wish that worked with my 4yo. He’ll whine and whine. And then feel rejected and start deliberately causing trouble to gain attention. Literally cannot be alone for a second.

I'm sure there's many books about this. You have to be carful when and how you give attention. _Boundaries are key_. If you're giving attention while they're behaving badly it can reinforce the situation. I've got three kids and it took a painful devorce and some deep introspection, personal change and turning some concepts on their heads. Now my third child (new partner) is a brilliant reasonable person and my relationship with my older kids is on a much more even keel. I would seek external support (therapist and child behavior folks) and don't be afraid to dig deep on why you feel the way you do and how that affects how you act and reflects in your 4yo. Good luck! (Edited for grammar.)

Thank you for your valuable input.

I’m keenly aware of attention value and try my best not to reinforce bad behaviour. But if he’s doing something truly dangerous I cannot ignore that. I understand that even that can be dealt with differently, e.g. in a calm and non reactive manner or get upset (reaction). I mostly try to stay calm, but of course it’s not always possible. My spouse on the other hand just doesn’t get it and always reacts which I know is a huge problem.

Advise on therapy is also good and something I was considering. Just don’t really know where to start I guess. If you have any actionable advice here would be great.

Thank you.

regarding therapy, something immensely valuable my wife and I stumbled on is working with a child psychologist who, rather than meeting directly with our children, does "parent training" sessions. these takes the form of hour long meetings in which we relay a specific challenge we're having with one of our kids. Our therapist asks questions, offers suggestions, and reacts to different strategies we're currently trying.

it's been so helpful to have an objective third party who can offer kind feedback on approaches we're using, give us heads-up to potential fallout of certain strategies or reactions to difficult behavior, and also offer great suggestions on new or altered approaches to take based on our own family values.

I solved this by having twins. They are 4 and just play with each other. Try that next time!

Helpful advice >:D

While difficult, it's often possible to teach children to be content on their own, or playing nearby, at least for longer stretches. The book Hunt, Gather, Parent helped me improve a lot as a parent. First step was not reacting when a spill or mistake or misbehavior happened, just staying super chill and calm. Maybe ignoring or at most shooting a single "look" if it was clearly intentional. I realized kids do want to do good, they just are bad at it. Next was giving freedom, but also more expectations. I stopped constantly commanding and telling my kid what to do all the time. As the commands got less frequent we were both happier and she listened more. When she was going to hurt herself, I'd explain what would happen instead of ordering her. Instead of "Don't touch that!" I say "That will burn you if you touch it". If it's the rare physical danger so severe that I need to protect her, I change the environment or keep an eye on her.

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