Comment by scyzoryk_xyz | Hacker News Reader

Comment by scyzoryk_xyz | Hacker News Reader

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Move back, force your wife to only interact with your dudes’ wives. Shed individuality, kick back beers with the boyz. Reminisce only about the good old days. Bond over ritualized sports. Start families in sync so kids can be raised together. Forge new shared traditions, establish a rules based order of discipline and brotherhood. Protect the offspring from outsiders. To do this establish dominance over other families. Punish disobedience. Never leave the inner trusted circle.

edit: not sure how heavy handed the Mad Max irony must be for the /s to register.

edit2: Do not move back. Embrace change. Ask wife to steer all social life. Sever all ties with the men who have made all those awful career and family choices. Visit only sporadically, but offer resentful advice on how they could improve themselves. Leave with relief and conviction that you have changed into someone else, someone superior. Carefully select only the best qualified friends for family, based on consultations with wife. Expose children only to the appropriate sort of influence.

Hey @scyzoryk_xyz I laughed out loud and could understand the tongue in cheek sediment before the edits. When I was younger dreamed about becoming rich and buying a whole subdivision and moving my family and friends into the compound. Obviously, that was before I actually had a wife and children. Compromise is the only way relationships work with family and friends.

Good thing is you have more than enough HN Karma to burn so don't worry about the down votes, most people will get ‘it’ and gave you an upvote to offset the ones who did not.

Ended up with a karmic boost instead ¯\_( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_/¯

Yeah I’ve made decisions to go back, but haven’t started a family. I’ve been curiously observing how much for those friends around me with kids friction against „society” is a whole thing.

Your commments are great, and made me lol, which is super rare - great insight, honestly... thanks

But if you've never had kids, you're missing out on so much. This is just my experience, and is how I "grew up" from 20-35. I didn't want kids, but now love them so much, and as 55 year old man, with a 21 and 20 year old that still live with me, I'm doing so well, and have been blessed by them being in my life, and my wife who wanted kids more than I did, lol.

I know you are probably aware of this, and it probably tears at you, in some way. I know it did for me. And your mission, if you choose to accept it is not to live life on your own terms, but on the terms of God (imho), your health, your wife, your kids (if you choose to have them), and ultimately in others, which once you perfect the previous, you will want to help others more than anyone else.

Not everyone has to have children of course, and in many ways it'd be easier if you didn't, but it sounds to me like your seeking new paths, and this is a life changer, imho, and something that every generation before you did, to have you, and bring YOU to life.

Good luck!

Yeah, I’m somewhere in that window, and those thoughts are definitely emerging (I’m at 35 and SO is 33). This is blowing my mind, because I’ve been standing fast by the idea to not rush, to not force, to not push reality. But something is softening, not just in me but also in the SO.

I do appreciate you sharing the idea. It takes maturity to stop thinking only about your own terms, your own wants, your own needs. To take responsibility in one sense but to also accept your limitations. That bigger thing can be God.

Thank you for your kind words. The big question that is turning in my mind is if this is the only one path. Obviously, folks without kids don’t feel the urge to go around pushing others not to have them. And folks with kids love their children, so it’s not like they’re not going to want to share how profound it is for them. I used to perceive growing your family as this tedious chore, but I’m also starting to see how it can also be a wonderful gift.

It’s a big dilemma regardless. I just would not be sure whether to make the choice for my brood to live in a bunker commune surrounded by weapons, or whether to insert them into a world of skyscraper elite back-stabbing palace intrigue. On one hand I could ensure my blood mixes with that of our other apex predator families. But on another I could throw them into a doctrine of pain and suffering that grinds them into strength and perseverance. Decisions!

My partner and I had no intention of having children and we agreed on that. Eventually we moved in together and got married. We both had good jobs, traveled, ski / snowboard, hiked, camped, went to see everything we wanted to see. Long story short we stopped NOT trying to have kids (stopped all birth control) and never happened. Started the whole process of finding out who was the issue, and that was starting to add up quick in the expense department. We were about to start an even more expensive process when an opportunity presented itself that led to us adopting our first child. In less than a year we found out we had conceived one of our own. Sometimes it takes one to jump start the process, I guess. Even longer story short our relationship was starting to drift and then with our children we grew close again. Now we have two more best friends in our family. Coach their teams, host their parties, uber them around, and they are like having two more best friends that live with us. Going to be sad when they leave us but also super excited to be just the two of us again.

This goes to what you are saying about purpose in life. Without them I am not sure we would still be happy or even together. Children gave us a new reason to live and something to work on together. Life is no longer how the two of us can be happy but how we can make others happy, thus giving us pride to be happy ourselves. Strange to think about where we would be without them, but glad I only must speculate not actually know.

I grew up more remote with less opportunity for friends. My partner grew up in a densely populated area with lots of friends (my partner is way more socially adjusted than I am). The ones I made are the ones I still have while my partners are mostly gone and live elsewhere. We decided to raise our family in a large neighborhood with lots of friend opportunities as I feel that is the best way to let them experience life. Personally, I would love to be on 20 acres with my arsenal and survival gear, but that would not be fair to anyone in my family. We got the house with woods in the backyard (and a highway behind that) and both sides for a half acre in each direction, with close neighbors to the front. The rest of the neighborhood is house to house like any other. I need to be able to walk out my back door and take a leak if needed and be alone. While walking out the front provides the typical suburban experience. All comes back to compromise.

Whatever you decide, best of luck! Living the Mad Max lifestyle is hard to beat....

Not saying you’re wrong, but when people with kids say this, it means very little to me. Like of course you’re going to say that, otherwise you’d be admitting that having your kids was a mistake.

As mentioned in my parallel comment - the conundrum is that anybody advertising not having offspring is almost always going to sound shallow, immature, hedonistic to some extent. Like, nearly all arguments against having children feel sort of sad and lonely played out over the long term.

OTOH, anyone with kids would have to be some sort of psychopath to not argue for having them. Who the hell would believe another person’s existence can be a mistake? All my parent friends end up trying to convince me to have kids, and I don’t even put up any counter-arguments because damn - I really like their kids too. Even the ones who had them in the worst way imaginable!

I don’t think it’s merely about “admitting mistakes” - parenthood isn’t a restaurant menu option or consumer choice miscalculation you make. We are literally wired to love our offspring. We’re mammals - it’s not a logical decision. This whole breeding thing, it’s the strangest philosophical aspect of human nature.

The way I see it: if you can’t or if you don’t do kids, you better have some sort of conviction about what it is that you have to contribute. And it’s not about competition, being right, being smart - it’s about your own mental well-being. There is only so much fun to be had before you start to wonder.

I know this sounds like I’m arguing for having kids - I’m really not. I’m saying the decision not to do something can be just as profound against that absence. You just better have a plan for what it is you want to do with your time on Earth, when those mammalian instincts start kicking in.

This is great. I can almost imagine a two timeline movie of this. Really hits home.

What do you mean two timelines? The movie is about the daywalker, who goes on 2-3 week long business trips every few weeks and ...

This should be a copypasta.

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