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Comment by nuancebydefault | Hacker News Reader

To introverts I would say: just now and then try to get out of your comfort zone. Most of the time, it will feel liberating and next time it becomes much easier.

Step 1. Regularly talk to strangers. Most easily it can be done at public transport or at a shop. Start with places where you are waiting for a short time. Just ask a silly question or say something about the weather.

Step 2 speak up in small groups. Just say something funny in between. Or ask a really curious question about what someone is saying.

Step 3 take the lead in organizing a Teams call that anyways need scheduling. Be the MC or host. Just state what the meeting is about, what is to be accomplished and listen and note some things for in the summary.

Step 4 do a talk in front of an audience. That will need some prep and some rehearsal, this one is quite difficult for myself as well.

Everyting worth the effort, takes effort.

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All of your advice is for shy people, not introverts

Being an introvert is not the same as being shy, and it is long past time that people stop conflating the two concepts

You cannot "fix" being an introvert by practicing being social

could you humor me and exPlain why you think this? I’m neither shy nor introverted and I have only a casual understanding of either. If I take their comment literally, I guess the only part I would see being different is “it will feel liberating.” But aside from that I do support the advice of people going out of their comfort zone, even if they hate it.

I read GPs advice as “go to the social gym.” For some people the gym ends up feeling good, others will hate it no matter what, but the advice is sound regardless.

What do you think though?

Shy == social situations are scary

Introvert == social situations are strenuous

I think people need to reconcile their level of interest in making new friends or finding success in innately social environments with their level of willingness to overcome fear or exhaustion. I see a lot of people in this thread basically saying approx. "you don't get it, it's exhausting", and that's fine enough if you've determined you get no value (after exploring that prospect valiantly) in doing the thing that exhausts you, but it's not fine if you do get value out of something and aren't willing to exhaust yourself.

Exhaustion for me is often a key component in anything I do. The friends that do find social interaction exhaustion and can't overcome it, I end up seeing once a year, and that seems to be ok with them, but if they were hoping for more, they need to practice being exhausted.

Lastly, if you're not practicing the exhausting things, you're practicing the comfortable things, imho. It seems more true in more cases that people aren't willing to do anything that exhausts them, so they never walk far, they never go to the gym, they get fat and isolate themselves socially... until they realize that they've suddenly become squishy, dull, and lonely, then look for a quick fix that doesn't cost them anything, and maybe post to Reddit "Any friends out there? I'm an avid reader and single player video gamer that will sometimes come out for 30 min if it doesn't conflict with my nightly 5 hour solo stationary leisure time. We could start a group chat!". There's nothing inherently wrong with that, it doesn't need to be fixed, but it services what it services and it's worh thinking deeply about whether that is or isn't worth practicing.

It's very simple: As an introvert, I'm neither afraid of nor bad at social situations. I'm just not (that) interested.

If this is the case, then why should we change the way everything currently works around the fact that you are capable, but not interested in socializing?

Not GP, but who's asking for that? I think all the blather is inescapable. I can't make people write an email instead of them wasting my time while they try to make sense of their own thoughts in a meeting. That's just how it is.

Good advice but we need to change its scope: All of that works if your problem is shyness or being self conscious. And indeed there's a strong Venn diagram between shyness, quietness, self consciousness, awkwardness, and introvertness. But it's not the same.

I'm inherently all of those things. After 20 years in consulting though, including dedicated training and experience, nobody believes me anymore - I've built strong social skills and come off cheerfully comfortable at work and random social situations. I've been formally mentoring people emotional intelligence and soft skills for at least 6-8 years.

But they are exhausting, even those that have become second nature / automatic. And that issue is not becoming lesser with age or skills or experience. And the more people in a group, the more exponentially exhausting every experience is :-/

what you do - even if ALL the love for it is there in you - sounds absolutely exhausting to me (especially after as many years as you have been doing it) and I am about as extrovert as it gets, much like you are described your sister in the other comment.

is it plausible that your feels are not as closely related to you being introvert and just nature of the career itself?

Plausible, but the draining is not just at work. I love one on one and can generally spend large amount of time with individuals whose company I enjoy. But groups (say 4+ including myself) are "draining" no matter the enjoyment. It's not that I'm "not a people person", I love hanging out with my friends and family! It's just that, with several people hanging out especially, I'm likely the first one to leave and find a couch or bed or comfy chair somewhere to read a book or play an instrument or video game or whatever to "recharge".

Some people misinterpret that as not enjoying hanging out with people but that's not it. It's more like, hanging our with people is as physical of an activity for me as biking or swimming or rock climbing. I love it... But I get tired eventually :-)

(analogy breaks down quickly tough - per another thread here though, unlike the physical activities here,I haven't really been able to increase my "social stamina". Social skills, hugely! Social stamina, not really)

fascinating!

I totally understand even though I don’t actually understand (if that makes any sense :) )

Today I learned, being skilled at something does not mean it has to become less exhausting. Could it be that your acquired social skills somehow go against your 'nature'? I wonder if there is social research on this subject.

I am an introvert. I can talk to strangers, but prefer not to. I speak in small groups of friends or collegues, I am the lead in lots of calls, I even do training to big audiences. When in the moment, I can do it without hesitation, but in the end its always draining.

As an introvert, I have no idea what you're talking about.

As an introvert, talking to strangers is in my comfort zone. Being an introvert has nothing to do with whether I'm able to talk to strangers.

As an introvert, speaking up in small groups isn't a problem. I do it all the time when I feel like it or when I feel it's necessary. Again, what does being an introvert have to do with this?

As an introvert, I regularly find myself leasing things because other people don't want to step up. This has nothing to do with introversion/extraversion.

As an introvert, I do talks in front of an audience. Not a problem.

Learning all this was valuable, but none of it solved my introversion. Because it's not something that can or needs to be fixed.

What it did fix was my shyness, lack of confidence and insecurity around other people. But I'm still introverted because it still requires me to exert a lot of energy, which can only be regained if I'm alone.

After reading all that, I think I'm an introvert as well. Though people tend to label me extrovert.

Even though getting downvotes, there's a lot to learn on HN, even about myself!

As an introvert I do these things - actually search for opportunities to do a talk or to do public presentation works. This works (and you can find me on YouTube in these situations) but it doesn’t get easier with time. It actually feels like with time it gets harder to find the energy to do this again.

You clearly don't know what it means to be introvert. It's not a choice, it's almost like a phobia.

As an introvert, what does being an introvert have to do with phobias? If you have a phobia for being around other people, this is not being introverted.

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