An ADHD brain is more motivated by external Urgency while a more neurotypical will be motivated externally by Importance. This often leads to ADHD people being perceived as anywhere from flakey, unreliable, to totally unconcerned with problems and/or commitments. In social relationships, they are perceived as being anywhere from touch and go to just unwilling to invest into social bonds. The worst part is that if you are able to mask well in one area, you just don’t have the energy to mask everywhere else. It’s like an unwinnable game of wack-a-mole.
It has taken many years and losing so much to get to where I am and it’s still objectively shit. Knowing that every in the world is not made for how your brain functions and is often made specifically for how the majority of people’s brain functions is depressing.
I’ve found that very carefully selecting work that lets me lean into my specific strengths (good under pressure, able to dive deep on technical problems and pull out results, and being a good business communicator), in conjunction with aggressively automating or pre-preparing parts of my life that suck (laying out clothes/tools/equipment the night before, having a checking “escrow” account all my auto bill pay gets pulled out of) helps me function more efficiently.
It gets better, you can carve newer and deeper neural-pathways by sticking to routines, and finding ways to get that dopamine.
Also medication, that really helps.
These books are written to sell, not to be read by the target audience. They're far too long, and their structure is bad. For dozens of pages, there is no actionable advice. The reader loses interest by that time, and the book lands on Tsundoku tower. I suspect short self-help books don't sell well, so each book must have 200+ pages, even if it sets up the reader for failure.
All these suggestions about different or better planning programs or habit forming things etc…. They have an efficacy that last six weeks, then wears off, and they themselves become another shameful burden.
And yes methylphenidate helps.
Someone else suggested a 'coach' and please, I beg you, don't waste money on a 'coach'; they are a scam.
If you want some professional input or support (highly recommended!) see a psychologist or an occupational therapist who has experience working with ADHD adults.
OTs are the best option for ADHDers considering 'coaching' imo; OTs are professional problem solvers and will help you build the skills to be your own coach (among other things). They're also educated, trained, and regulated. OT as a field has some serious problems but that's a rant for another time. They're a fantastic resource for ADHD adults looking to learn to work with their brain on their own terms. They can absolutely help you achieve those goals. Working more regularly with one for a short while and then reconnecting when you need extra help or have new challenges is common.
If you're looking for professional body doubling/human rubber ducking or some more casual kind of motivation and support, disability support workers are also an option much better than 'coaches' imo. They should also be regulated and have at least some training. They're also cheaper than 'coaches' and they're not a scam trying to lie about credentials, regulation, or scopes of practice. I've had disability support workers help me with some really banal stuff I just needed that extra push to get done.
I know some people swear by coaching, but it's a repugnant scam preying on people. I think the market of ADHD adults realising they want or need help exploding combined with a lack of education and awareness that there are already existing actual professionals that can help has perfectly paved the way for these scam artists to swoop in and steer people away from professional help. Anyway, please see an OT or a psych instead of a 'coach'!
Would you mind giving examples.
I ask because I’m wondering about a family member.