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Comment by brushfoot | Hacker News Reader

Totally. It's a hard rut to get out of. But it's a skill that can be learned like any other.

For me, I'm a bit of a screen junkie with social anxiety. One of my blockers was negative self-talk. I would think, "They're going to get angry. They're going to ignore you. They're busy. You're going to waste their time."

I started replacing that with images of the person being interested and delighted by the interaction. That helped, but I also knew that wasn't realistic if I just walked up and blurted out, "Hi, I'm an isolated remote dev and I'd like to talk." Someone might be sympathetic, but I didn't want sympathy; I wanted people to have fun. So I started using the techniques I mentioned.

This can all be learned from books on small talk, personality psychology, social dynamics, etc. But unfortunately, it's rarely talked about or taught, at least in my circles. And people are suffering as a consequence.

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Isolation has a feedback that makes it hard to break out of once you're in really deep. The more desperately lonely you are, the worse your social skills.

Strangers are strange when you're a stranger.

they did get angry though.

i cant believe anymore that "negative self-talk is bad for you" has to lead to "the negative self-talk is false." because frequently it's exists as a defense mechanism. it's likely i've just trapped in the spiral too long. but i don't have enough counterexamples to disprove them. the longer i chose to go on the more counterexamples i accumulated until it was too much.

from this I concluded that I needed a type of relationship closer to a steward...but there's a reason people beyond a certain age don't seek out those relationships. it creates a power imbalance that is ruinous. i didn't know this. i spent years in that kind of friendship. i paid the price. i do feel like i wasted their time.

yeah I think the truth is in the middle. You definitely have to prepare to be rejected by quite a few people who really don't want to talk and couldn't give a shit less about you. That party is hard for me. When I finally get over the anxiety and start to talk, it's difficult not to take the rejection hard.

Timing and location is super important too though I haven't figured out the best places. Haven't had much luck at bars and stuff despite that being a common suggestion. Everyone seems to be there already with a social group and have zero interest in meeting a stranger.

The local alternative paper interviewed a gay man who was going around teaching other gay men about the art of (real life) cruising rather than mediating one's sex life through an app.

He explained it is a skill, which needs to be learned, while many people use an app because it reduces their anxiety.

Way to go on becoming better company for yourself and a friend to yourself.

Any specific books you'd recommend?

Most everything by Leil Lowndes is great IMHO. She helps you understand body language, which is a huge key to success. Most people telegraph their feelings with body language so you can pretty easily recognize who wants to talk and why doesn't. She also has a great sense of humor. Her books are very 90s/00s which might bother some people, hence this warning. Specifically she generalizes quite a bit based on sex/gender. Not in an exclusive way, but if you're somebody who feels strongly for example that there is no biological difference between the sexes, then you might have a hard time with her books.

"How to talk to anyone" would be my first recommendation.

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