Entrepreneurship the Illness - A day in the life
Inspired by Dave Mcclure's honest piece a few days ago...
It's 2am… I've spent the last 5 hours working on my personal projects. I shut my laptop and take a moment to think. All I can think about is the fact that I have 4 hours until I awake to start a new day. I make my way to bed and I can hear my daughter crying… Tomorrow is going to be a long and challenging day.
6am rolls around and my alarm wakes me up to groundhog day. I feel very low… I question if I'm wasting my time on this earth, I question my ability, I question my life. I admit to myself that this can't go on, but it occurs to me that I have reached this same conclusion many many times before….and I'm still standing in the same place. A place which is probably not too dissimilar to the place an alcoholic spends their waking moments.
6-30am and the coffee is brewing. My wife and the youngest of my two children wakes and I spend some time playing and talking to them. When my oldest child awakes breakfast is well under way and I'm helping dress my youngest before shooting out the door for a day of work.
8-30am I arrive at work ready for the unchallenging, un-motivating, uncreative 8 hours which pays for my families life. It has been "beaten" into me from a young age that this is unavoidable - while you live you will work, and while you work you will hate it. I then try to convince myself that I am lucky to live in a developed country and have a well paid job which most people would die for.
12-30pm - Off to lunch I go. I am a free man for 30 minutes. Although I still have to wear this ridiculous clothing which most people call a suit and tie. I have to remind myself that this clothing is necessary to prove that I am a trustworthy, honest, powerful, intelligent person. And without it I would just be another broken loser.
13-00 - I start to fall asleep as we discuss the new functionality we are going to add to the app of which I am lead developer. I lose focus as we discuss a form for users to add blah to the blah so they can visualise the blah. This app is used by all 80 users in the organisation, not exactly the size of audience that I had always dreamed of showcasing my talent to.
15-00 I am now in some sort of semi conscious dream/brainstorming session… the plans I have to make the world a better place - Ideas, functionality, marketing… round and round I go.
17-00 - Small talk - done. Read emails - done. Pretend to be motivated - done. Pretend to be a great employee - done.
17-01 (or somewhere close enough without giving the impression that I would rather die than stay another minute) I'm on my way home. Success! I have sold a portion of my day in exchange for enough money to make sure my family doesn't starve to death.
17-45 I arrive home to my family. This is without doubt the highlight of the day and easily the most fun. My wife has had a really challenging day (unlike myself), so I take the kids to the playground and we have some fun before dinner.
19-00 with dinner now eaten I get the kids ready for bed and sit with them until they fall asleep. While my wife takes care of ALL our household chores.
20-00 With the kids now asleep I have 4 hours (6 if I want to kill myself) free time to take care of any unfinished business before I make my dent on the world.
20-30 I'm showered changed and ready to create. My tool of choice for the last 15 years has been web programming.
2am - After going around in circles and questioning everything I do - I prepare myself for bed and groundhog day.
My name is Damian and I have an illness which I was born with, it's the illness to create things, some people call it entreprenuership. I've always been fascinated with the way that as a lone person you can create things that have an impact on many people. One idea can change the paths of many lives, and the internet has made it much easier to put those ideas into action.
Talking to people about this illness is not easy. They say things like "Just quit", "Do something else with your time", "Manage your time better", "You need balance in your life". I guess these are the same sort of responses alcoholics or drug addicts get when they try to explain their predicament to someone who clearly doesn't understand. I certainly never talk to my family about these feelings, it wouldn't be worthwhile.
Ok so there was a little tongue in cheek (in parts), but it isn't far off the truth.
I believe that everybody on this planet should have an inner drive to change the world and make it a better place. And you should never quit, otherwise you might as well die.
So I continue my life of solitude without the things I enjoy - socialising, working out, movies, books. I admit that it doesn't sound healthy when written down.
It's the self doubt which can kill you.
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