Why American Marriages Are Set Up For Failure | Hacker News Reader

Why American Marriages Are Set Up For Failure

gweezycapital.com

9 pointsNickGweezy17 comments

short anecdote, when my wife and I had our first child I was meticulous about understanding the whole 'kid' thing, I analyzed, I tested, I reasoned, and I generally felt by the time my daughter was 2 that I pretty much had the whole kid thing figured out. If they cry under these conditions it means this, if this condition that other thing, etc. I generously shared my hard won expertise on how one goes about dealing with and raising a child. Then my second one was born, and she was different right out of the womb. And not a little different, a lot different. All these things I "knew" weren't right at all, I in fact didn't know anything about "raising kids" I only knew about "raising this particular kid" and sadly that wasn't transferable between even my own kids! From that point on I kept my kid raising advice to a minimum. I realized how different everyone is.

Much is the same in marriages. People bring different things to the marriage, expectations, previous history, needs for affinity, needs for control, desires to control, what ever. And because their are two people involved, and those people change over time, they require constant communication and realignment. I have friends who are still married as I am, and friends who are divorced, and friends who aren't married but should be, and are married but probably should not be. No single thing causes it to fail, its a combination of things. One thing seems to keep them going though and that is communication. Learn to talk about anything with your spouse, and I mean anything. That isn't a guarantee of success of course, but there is ample evidence that "problems" occur when one part of the relationship thinks there is a problem and the other person either doesn't think its a problem or doesn't even know about it.

> But after that year, they decided to get back together and get married almost immediately without seeing what it would be like to live with one another.

Keep in mind that at the time your parents would have tied the knot, pre-marital cohabitation was statistically a predictor of increased likelihood of divorce. [1]

[1] http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/03/22/movein-before-marri...

Very cool. And it makes sense. Living together first gives couples an idea of what it will be like later. Great related article. Thanks!

I wonder if there isn't another reason for couples that marry before living together to last longer.

For example, maybe those that don't cohabit are stricter or more religious, which view divorce as a sin, and are thus less likely to divorce.

Interesting. I wonder about people cohabitate to see they can live with each other, rather than having the patience to wait until they can't live without each other.

I theorize that the latter would make for a stronger relationship. One in which the partners are not looking for the deal breaker, but always searching for the solution to the kind of problems that couples have.

I'd like to see a citation on the claim about 1 in 5 divorces being due to Facebook.

http://www.zdnet.com/blog/facebook/facebook-blamed-for-1-in-...

A little skepticism and analysis please.

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB1000142405274870359780457619...

Thanks for the link, however I'll go ahead and bet that most of those Facebook divorces actually go down to a more important underlying problem than the use of the social network. I'd really like to know how many cases has Facebook been blame for where one spouse just happened to find out via Facebook the other was cheating.

This, the article does not explain clearly. Getting a divorce because you got back in touch with a high-school sweetheart then blaming Facebook for it is like blaming the bar where you hooked up with a drunk chick for ruining your relationship.

People are to blame for divorces.

That irked me too but from a purely anecdotal standpoint, I believe the author makes a point when he describes Facebook from the perspective of someone in a relationship.

You get such a biased view into other people's lives (because people post happy things way more often than they discuss their real problems on their profiles/pictures) that it's easy to get overwhelmed with the greener-grass feeling.

Now I'm not saying it's a reason people get divorces (I won't believe that until I see some stats) but I do believe it has the power to amplify an already existing feeling of displease at your couple or significant other.

He said "related to", not "due to", but the tone of the article did lean towards the "due to" line of thought.

You know what was the great divorce creator before Facebook? Telephones! And before that? Pen & Paper! We should go back to cave living.

I'm surprised this off-topic rubbish heap of words made it to the front page on HN.

The writer's resume includes "Twitter" under the Relevant Skills section.

Which is not to say one should be skeptical about the post. For that you need only look to the lack of citation for everything in it.

Your argument would have had so much more weight if you had omitted the almost undisguised ad hominem attack.

My life would be twice as tedious if I took that advice. And if mine is the harshest criticism that young writer comes across today, them he should consider himself a fortunate soul.

Here is the remark sans ad hominem: Twitter is not a skill. Remove it from your resume because it undermines any authority you might have as a writer.

Additionally, the piece is rhetoric. It is perfectly acceptable to question the character of the speaker when that is a mode being appealed to.

>> Commitment has made a difference. In interviews with some women who have been married 20 years or more after living with their spouse first, firm belief in a future together was a common theme.

Personal opinion: I think this is the common thread. If living together is seen as a "trial period", it could ingrain the idea that "he/she is not committed to me, and will stay only as long as I please him/her" into the relationship. That could lead to long-term mistrust.

In my own marriage, my wife and I continually express our determination to stay married until death. This makes being vulnerable much easier, because I don't fear rejection. Indeed, I'd say that's the biggest difference for me between marriage and dating.

The absolute best resource I have read on why monogamy does not work in modern times in (mainly) developed countries is here: http://www.blackdragonsystem.com/uploads/3/9/7/2/3972480/why...

As my parents said when my brother made a similar arguement- "So who are you shacking up with?"

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