Choosing solitude | Hacker News Reader

Choosing solitude

washingtonpost.com

90 pointsrobg84 comments

Alone time I find quite valuable.

Every now and then I find myself with a day or two by myself, having no expectations, nobody to have to coordinate with, nowhere to be at a particular time. It’s incredibly resetting.

I know it’s valuable because when I can pull it off, I feel like I’m stealing something.

Joys of being a non parent. I miss those 'open days' :(

Au contraire, I get Columbus day off work. None of my kids are off school :) I’ve been looking forward to this coming Monday for months. Those brief periods of solitude must be taken advantage of with kids.

Being a parent is why I value them

You're right though -- all the parents I know desperately want alone time.

Can't speak for anyone else of course, but before kids a day with no obligations was mostly just a nice day. With kids it is so much more significant.

My colleagues that don't have kids, they waste their time. Not by doing nothing - that would be awesome - but by creating problems for themselves that end up taking their spare time. It is like they believe they will always have empty days to spare.

Sounds like "youth is wasted on the young" :)

You know your perspective also works in reverse. When I was young I wanted time away from my parents. Now that they're gone, I would love to spend even 5 minutes with them.

balance is a never ending struggle.

> My colleagues that don't have kids, they waste their time

If I told you, “Having kids is a waste of your time” you’d be 100% sure that I’m wrong. And I might be. I might not be. All depends on perspective.

But there you sit confidently making a judgement about someone else’s time just like I did with you.

> Joys of being a non parent. I miss those 'open days' :(

and decade later you will miss 'occupied' days.

That’s what grandparents are for. Or at least were, in the past.

For some reason, after being own my own for a few days, I start to feel sorry for myself, feel nostalgic and don't take very well care of self anymore. So I'm super lucky, privileged for not being alone.

You need to overcommit for a while, then try doing it again for a few days.

Maybe do it more mindfully the next time? Like do something you have wanted to do alone for a long time, exactly the way you want to.

Or instead of eating poorly and staying in, get outside and hike?

> get outside and hike

God I would love to, but it’s always 85F+ and either raining or >80% humidity. Its miserable outside.

Do it anyway. Yes it sucks, but push through the suck.

Once in a while I can and do, but the suck makes it hard to do it consistently.

I have a treadmill and a big fan in my garage and it’s usable until summertime and that’s the best I got.

Interesting theory. The notion that some expressions of personality are obstructed by social 'noise' and thus benefit from solitude makes a lot of sense. By their reckoning, solitude is positive, voluntary and purposeful, the means to a desired end. In contrast, loneliness is negative, involuntary, a response to the loss of several sources of social support.

The OP (and others) suggest solitude's desiderata to be: 1) pursuit of a personal passion, and 2) disinterest in affirmation (or criticism) from others, 3) the belief that this journey will be preferable when taken alone.

Do the terms introvert and extrovert capture such personality quirks usefully? And are solitude and loneliness synonymous? I've long thought not.

As I understand the terms (informally), introverts are drained of energy when in a group while extroverts gain energy. But by that definition, loneliness should arise only when extroverts go it alone. Introverts should be immune. But not so, so there must be more to the story.

The best work I've read on the complexities of introversion and the merits of solitude is Susan Cain's marvelous book, "Quiet". As I recall, it confirms the OP's thesis.

The line between solitude and loniness is time and choice.

In all their examples, those people choose to be alone for a period of time. But could easily choose not to. Also the time alone is limited.

Though, loniness can happen with other people, not having anyone at all is a very lonely feeling. I remember seeing videos of people saying they have no friends and start breaking down in tears.

As I age and past friendships fade away, without any new ones due to my personality, habits, I wonder how long until that'd be me.

https://archive.ph/Hx4mj

Solitude is a big mind reset for me. So many of my most creative ideas come from my extremely long walks across Tokyo. I try to do these 10 - 20 hour walks a few times a year. My next one is next week. From west Tokyo to Chiba. It's becoming a kind of creative pilgrimage for me. No phone. Just a compass and my feet. Every hour I also do a creative exercise to help me connect with myself.

Brilliant idea, thanks. I thought my 2 hour walks were long (and beneficial). I need to try doubling that, then doubling that, then doubling that again.

2 hours is a good amount. I feel like after the hour mark it begins to to feel like a special journey.

I'm wondering if it works the same way if the solitude is choosing you.

The first line under the article headline says solitude isn't the same as loneliness.

And I assume you understand that ... ?

Why are you replying to GP's comment that is not talking about loneliness but solitude?

What exactly is it meant by Solitude choosing you? To me that sounds like involuntary time spent alone, solitude chasing you, which could also be understood as loneliness.

You are sent to Antarctica for 3 months.

You don't feel lonely but the contrary, you are quite excited.

You come back and write a blog post titled "I found my true self during an unexpected trip in solitude" or something.

Weird that this good curiosity got downvoted... for some reason when you say "I wonder" on HN it tends to be taken as if you're being sarcastic or something the like.

Because that wonder can be cleared up by simply reading a few sentences of the linked article.

I downvote anyone who says “I wonder…” and then asks a question the article answers.

Frankly I read the article and found no references to non-chosen aloneness other than 'When we don’t choose it, it’s isolation, Bowker says.'

The article continues beyond that sentence!

> But you can be alone and not feel lonely, or you can be with others and feel lonely. “Loneliness really refers to perceived social inadequacy of relationships

> “One of the clearest findings on solitude is if it’s chosen for the value that it has, it’s going to be a more positive experience,” says Netta Weinstein, a professor of psychology at the University of Reading in England and a co-author of “Solitude: The Science and Power of Being Alone.” “If it’s forced on you, it’s going to be a less positive experience.”

In fact you are right but the text is a bit hard to interpret for me. The only thing I can get out of it “If it’s forced on you, it’s going to be a less positive experience.”

So if it is non-chosen solitude, it will be less positive than chosen solitude.

Now what is the answer to the downvoted question, i still don't know the answer and in fact i wonder as well.

Reply on news.ycombinator.com