I actually think Elixir really doesn't have great performance. TechEmpower, which is IMO the most real world standardized tests out there shows that Phoenix doesn't even complete. And Elixir+Plug+Ecto performs worse than Rails, which is an entire framework.
Everyone in Elixir land tells me "Oh those benchmarks don't matter". Yet they are heavily talked about, and referred to here and other places. They only don't matter if you perform terribly on them I suppose.
And they say "Oh we didn't care to put much effort into it", Yet Jose Valim himself tried to work on it and didn't fix it. He's written extensively about how this type of test doesn't really fit elixir, etc, but ultimately it's just doing DB queries, why does this not work?
I really think Elixir is mostly propaganda at this point. It's a huge mental paradigm shift and I have seen myself that it wasn't performant, and as you said you keep thinking "Oh I must be doing it wrong".
I just cannot fathom why anyone in a decent sized company would use with all the negatives it has going for it. YMMV
Proof below
https://www.techempower.com/benchmarks/#section=data-r22&hw=...