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I'm a big enjoyer of arcain arts, but I happen to work in a place that actually has it and no -- nobody likes COBOL and it's not cool in any sense.

Well, there is a good reason no one likes it. It isn't cool, I completely agree. Readable, simple, safe, performant and still relevant though? Ya.

>Readable, simple, safe, performant and still relevant though?

It's performant, you can't take away that.