Hacker News Reader

Comment by zero-sharp | Hacker News Reader

I know that they have male and female accounts in the article, but it's hard to overstate just how bad the experience is from a male's point of view. And this is coming from somebody who gets regular matches & dates (just trying to provide context...).

So yea, it's terrible you get instant sex talk. But a lot of the complaints & negative experiences in the article go both ways.

View on HN

"I know that they have male and female accounts in the article, but it's hard to overstate just how bad the experience is from a male's point of view."

They only have one example from a man, and it's only focused on gender neutral topics of looks and ethnicity.

> it's terrible you get instant sex talk.

Is it, though? It seems a useful signal that helps to separate out the people who are looking just to hook up from the people looking to actually date.

at least demonstrates some degree of impulse control.

I suspect the problem is the ones they would like to date are the ones able to get away with only looking for sex.

> just how bad the experience is from a male's point of view

How so?

Oh okay, I didn't realize this article was getting revived from several days ago.

being flaky, matching but never messaging, getting ghosted, "not knowing what he wants" - these are things that are brought up in the article from women and apply towards women as well.

The thing with apps is that some/most women can instantly fill up their profiles with matches, which is to say that they'll quickly get flooded with guys trying to talk to them. That's the way it works. I'm just trying to explain the dynamic. But having all of these options at your fingertips really diminishes interactions. I think that's the uniquely guy problem.

Talk to women in real life. It's not that hard.

While I agree it's a superior strategy, it really is hard to start off. Many of us get over it in middle school, but some do not and it snowballs into deeper anxiety each time we put it off.

I have figured out the secret for me is to remind myself "If I try to talk to her we might have a great outcome, and I'll feel better even if rejected because I know I tried. But if I dont talk to her I will have a long time of rumination and regret about what might have been."

This is a type of regret minimization and I think it’s a good way to look at making a lot of decisions in life. (The sharpest memory I have of this in a dating context is a time when I used it, got shot down hard and both 5 days and now 20 years later I’m still glad I did it.)

It's very hard to flirt effectively for many men, especially if the interaction with the woman is not within the context of a date / singles bar / dating app etc where its expected. It really is an art and takes experience or intuition that many men lack.

Many of those "many men" would significantly improve their chances by just doing gym 2 times a week for more than a year.

And by just starting to think a little bit about their look, that's it.

Those two simple things would increase their chances significantly.

I would suggest just start talking to them about stuff. Not every interaction has to be flirting.

The vast majority of women in real life are not looking for a partner.

It's not hard if you can find them. I talk to a lot of women in real life, but ultimately 99% fall into these 3 categories:

1. Already married there with their partner

2. Not looking to date seriously for one reason or another (usually senior age, or too young/exploring things, etc.)

3. Ones that just don't like being approached in public space (e.g. they'll say something like "I have a boyfriend" and end the interaction)

I honestly don't know where to talk to dating-age women in my area who don't fall into these categories. But I'm reluctant to use apps too.

I'm just trying to provide a balanced take on the article my man.

Reply on news.ycombinator.com