Comment by toomuchtodo | Hacker News Reader

Comment by toomuchtodo | Hacker News Reader

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To have children is a selfish choice, parents are just pushing the selfishness from fun/self consumption to reproductive consumption, like squeezing a balloon.

As you said:

> I'll get to my deathbed and regret not having a family of my own to enjoy time with.

Is that not selfish? Making humans to fill your time? Humans who are in no way guaranteed to want to spend time with you between adulthood and your death [1] [2]? I'm not going to argue against it in this thread, but let's call a spade a spade. I can respect "I am selfish and am making this choice, consequences be damned," but lets not dress up having kids as a noble cause when there are 8 billion people on the planet.

Not directed at you, but a phrase I use often with people considering kids is "Do you need kids? Or therapy?" Enumerate why you are making this decision, and provide evidence supporting this decision. The worst I hear, far too often, is "I'm having a kid so someone will love me forever." Big oof, let me tell you how that goes. I'm arguing for more thought and intention into the default choice, because the outcome is mostly permanent and a one way door. Is it worse to regret not having kids? Or regret having had them?

~40% of annual pregnancies, in both the US and internationally, are unintentional (per the Guttmacher Institute and the UN, respectively), so I think folks who really want to have kids aren't going to be material as long as those folks who don't want them have their reproductive freedoms affirmed.

[1] https://www.vogue.com/article/why-so-many-people-are-experie...

[2] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/brothers-sisters-str...

I'm middle aged with no kids and a very common question i get is, "who will take care of you when you're old?"

How is that not selfish reasoning?

People throw around a lot of theories on the low birthrate but for me it's simply that having kids is a choice. I have low societal and family pressure, my SO and I have effective birth control, and we decided kids wouldn't make us happier.

Ive also read nothing but anecdotes that indicates people regret either decision. I think we all tend to confirm our own decisions.

It's probably much less cool to say you regret having kids, but I know a recent divorcee who sure acts like her kids are in the way of her dating. I'm also sure there are plenty of people who get older and alone and wish they had their own children. But ultimately it seems like having kids is about deciding you want kids in your life and it's no longer considered the inevitable outcome of a long relationship.

Perhaps my mind will change when my dad dies.

There was a guy here on ask hn who regretted not having kids as a decision he made. Now he wishes everyday that death catches him. Not an anecdote.

Be a foster parent [1]. Adopt [2]. Volunteer with in need kids [3]. Lose yourself in the service of others. Life is short, everyone dies, you must find the meaning with the short spark you've been given. If you're prone to self deletion because a door closed you wish had not, grieve, pick yourself up, and get back on the horse. Also, therapy and cultivate a support system. "Embrace the suck."

[1] https://www.acf.hhs.gov/cb/research-data-technology/statisti...

[2] https://www.adoptuskids.org/meet-the-children/children-in-fo...

[3] https://pudding.cool/2024/03/teenagers/

you gotta accept that requires you drive yourself to those activities.

with family, it is the children who will drive you nuts.

I’ve never really heard a compelling argument for myself to want to have kids. Most of my friends/family have said one of these

“it’s just what you do”

“I want a mini-me” (yikes)

“I don’t wanna adopt. I want my OWN kid”

“I want a best friend”

“I want someone to take care of me when I’m old”

To me these all read as selfish which is why I never reached a compelling conclusion to have my own kids.

> Humans who are in no way guaranteed to want to spend time with you between adulthood and your death

Correct, they have no obligation to be around me. If you raise your kids poorly, they likely won't want to be around you. Your chances are good if you don't give them a reason to avoid you. On top of that, the fulfillment of raising the next generation to be moral and upstanding people to carry the torch, is also more than enough.

I wish you well, good luck! If it doesn't work out, I hope you remember this conversation, and that someone tried to show you another door. Life is about choices.

Your kids aren’t here to be “your best friend” or be your insurance plan for old age. Some of y’all need reexamine why you brought life into this world.

I have previously mentioned this on HN, but I did a stint as a Guardian ad Litem, acting as a disinterested third party for children in family court advocating for them. That experience, along with references like "This is a Teenager" [1] (among many, many others), has shaped my beliefs and how I communicate on this topic. If someone wants children, they had better be damn sure they do and they can do the job (financially and logistically). Otherwise, they have just condemned a human to suffering for their own desires and emotional fulfillment.

Edit: Based on your version before the edit, but I see you and understand. "Be the person you needed when you were younger."

[1] https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=40053774

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