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When I signed up for Facebook, that was my dream. That I would post stuff like "who wants to get ice cream tomorrow night?" and, just like that, people would take me up on it.

Never happened.

On the contrary, people I met would "friend" me, but still keep me out of their real-world cliques. Example: A guy invited everyone to a party at his house. Everyone else who responded knew where he lived. I sent a message asking. He ignored me.

I had an experience like the GP's. Facebook was an opiate, making me think I was keeping up with friends, when it was really pointless chatter. After I quit, I emailed an overseas friend and we had a far more meaningful exchange than anything during the year we were connected on Facebook.

I guess it depends who you know. Most of my close, in-town friends use FB minimally or not at all. So they weren't the same people I was talking to on FB.

Well, I think this says more about your understanding of friendship versus acquaintance rather than facebook itself.

Just because you added someone on facebook doesn't mean that you are now good friends. It means they know you somehow. You'll get invited to people's parties when you're close to them. Facebook supports existing friendships. It doesn't create new ones (well, in general).

In fact, if someone you know but don't certainly like adds you on facebook, it's socially awkward to not accept their friend request, because it is an outward social refusal to not do so. Essentially, you can "force" your way into friending someone. This weird social dynamic allows people's friend lists to grow way beyond proportion even if the feeling isn't mutual for everyone.

I think you're making the same point as me: "Facebook supports existing friendships. It doesn't create new ones." That's my experience too: Facebook did not turn my acquaintances into friends. But the person I replied to claimed otherwise — he posted an ice cream invite and 3 people he'd never met offline came.

I've made tons of acquaintances into friends. Facebook is a great facilitator for that.

Hell, my current girlfriend-like person was initially just an acquaintance on Facebook.

You need to put in an effort. Consistently including online people in your offline life, will eventually turn them into close friends. You talk to them online first, meaningfully, you invite them to offline friendly gatherings and eventually they just become one of your group of friends.

I mean ... it's the same as offline stuff. All your friends were acquaintances at first.

Honest question about the party: Why didn't you directly contact some of the "everyone" people who responded to ask for the address (or carpool)?

I find PG's "Relentlessly Resourceful" essay equally-useful in a social context. It took me a long time to realize that (for me) social interactions were an active and often taxing process. (And emails / FB messages are pretty much the most passive form of communication anymore.)

Didn't know those people and wasn't that strongly motivated to go... it was just one of several possible things to do that night. "Relentlessly resourceful" is great, but part of that is to make sure you're solving the right problem. And in social terms, I've found that trying to become friends with flaky/non-responsive people is solving the wrong problem.

Exactly. You don't have to read any posts. Facebook will email you when someone has invited you to a party, or give you a push notification when someone wants to be friends. You can use Facebook's integration with your phone's address book to get all their contact details, so you can always reach them. You can have all the benefits of Facebook without visiting the actual website or app.

Seconding this

One thing about facebook most people don't notice is it is highly customizable

Want everything by email? Doable. Want to not use the site and have most of the important things go by email (where "important things" is set by you)? Doable

I have phone numbers for all my close friends. If I wanted to contact them, I'd just call. The beauty of it is that it isn't all at once :)

I agree wholeheartedly

And exactly, if you don't know how to socialize, fb won't help you with that! (in the same way MS Excel can't really help you if you don't know math)

And of course, as in the real world, there's vanity, being ignored by people, etc

But I think fb (and twitter) often provide a very good service. Just for a start, fb chat 'killed' MSN messenger

I use email just fine for this...

"Seriously though, how do you usefully and efficiently keep in touch with more than 1 person via telephone? I can't even imagine it working."

In response to that I'd say think about what social life was like before the very recent invention of online social networks. There is no end to the amount of complex tasks that were arranged long before anything like social media existed, and long before anything as enabling as the telephone existed. The fact that someone would find it difficult to imagine a scenario without facebook, twitter etc. shows how disconnected from the abundant alternatives we have become.

You also have to understand that I am juuuuuust that age where I've used message boards and MSN more than the telephone in that time of being a teenager when you learn how to socialize with people.

Plus I was always a geek so that goes double for me. So, essentially, I never really learned how to use the phone effectively.

For some reason as I read this I thought of the thread from a few days ago, about how if you freelance, you shouldn't take on low-value, high-demand clients.

Maybe if your "friends" only get together or even talk to you in response to tweets or facebook, and forget all about you otherwise, you need to consider their real commitment to the friendship.

You know that friends did manage to organize cocktail parties at each other's houses, gather at restaurants, etc. before twitter or facebook existed.

Who said they forget all about me? It's just the most convenient way to contact me.

They use twitter/facebook/irc to ask me out for stuff as well ...

"Seriously though, how do you usefully and efficiently keep in touch with more than 1 person via telephone? I can't even imagine it working."

Efficiency is the least of my worries when it comes to keeping in touch with friends. Why do we have to be in a rush? Why not slow down and actually take the time to sincerely talk to each one of them? If that means I can't be friends with 100 people, then so be it.

Better to have fewer relationships I take the time to nurture, than 100 shallow ones.

WhatsApp FTW? Most of the impromptu meets for food and drinks with friends are organized using that instead of Facebook. Takes way too long to wait for people to check FB, RSVP, etc.