I often find myself taking this approach, but it’s still manipulative because it’s just me masking the fact that I’m really just trying to tell them what to do.
If they disregard your advice and you don't criticize them for it, you are absolutely not telling them what to do. For what it's worth.
It's not manipulative to use techniques that increase the chances of your advice being heard and followed, it's just good communication.
I guess I made an assumption that wasn't the case. Most people that have malign intentions aren't curious about these topics enough to discuss them openly.
"persuasion" gets a bad rap because most people assume you are persuading someone from a good place to bad. The opposite occurs often as well.
Persuasion can be questionable even if it's not malicious.
People can persuade others for selfish reasons, or to push their own desires, without it necessarily making the other person worse. But few of us like the feeling of being persuaded for someone else's benefit regardless.
Or, more relevantly in the context of advice, some people often like to give advice or push ideas that they themselves like, or with which they have good experiences, or which suit their thinking and personality. But the idea might be unsuited to the other person's situation, needs, desires or personality. Persuasion tactics or social tricks don't make that better, even if the motive isn't malicious.
Presumably the thing that you would say if you weren't "using a technique" is the most true thing.
> why does your mind go there automatically?
Because people who say things like what you said are usually making excuses for lying.
You seem to have set up two purposes in conflict with each other.
On one hand you are telling people what to do, nicely.
On the other, you recognize the intent of such a statement is to share an experience to see if it fits their situation.
The only person who can know the difference, most of the time, is you.
After all, If your statement is helpful, people will use it.
So is it an issue of you being insincere ? Or is it an issue if you being confused if you are being helpful but in reality coercive ?
If it’s insincerity, then do what makes you happier with your statements.
If it’s coercive, then give people a choice - let them know your concerns, ensure that they have all the information to own the choice.
If you are (e.g.) someone's manager, and you need them to do X, then you should say that. There is nothing worse than being unsure if something is a suggestion or a mandatory "suggestion".
Meanwhile, those who are just saying what they would do are not invested into what other person will do, they state what they would do and move on.
It is not just phrasing, it is also mindset that shows up in your other interactions.