Ask HN: How do I improve eye contact?

So there is a trick - don't look at people's pupils. Look at their eyelids or eyebrows, or the bridge of their nose. It is close enough to eye contact that it won't be uncomfortable for you. Most people do not stare directly into each other's eyes - they just look in that general direction.

And think about this a bit - if you feel defeated after talking to people who stare into your eyes... is that how you want people to feel after talking to you? Maybe it is just as well not to be one of the people with piercing eye contact.

> How important is it to have and maintain such eye contact? Is it a power move?

Yes, but not only that. See below ...

>;Should I just stop caring as much as be me where I have to look away at times?

You have this choice. But you'd be forfeiting a "better" version of yourself (improved skills) that you could be ...

> I’m a good active listener, so that’s not a problem.

This is (I humbly think), the key here: Think of eye contact as a way (or, another way, or a complementary way) of *listening with your eyes*, for that is what it (mostly) is: A signifier of attention. You already have in you if you listen well. This is just an extension of that.-

If you are rich enough to be successful VC overlords or whoever at a more pleasant place in bargaining, you will magically gain the ability.

Try to make oneself very rich is a sure way to maintain self confidence. There are other ways but those are mostly born.

There are a lot of rich people who lack confidence and rarely look into anyone’s eyes. And sometimes when they try to fake confidence, they simply come off as assholes or weird.

That can be true. Money is sort of like appearance, you might get nothing back if you have a lot of it, but your life is going to be miserable if you don't have it.

I never knew people looked each other in the eyes when taling until I was in my 20s. I never looked at people in the eyes while talking and yet I made so many friends and friendships that lasted long. To me it was not a thing so I never felt a psychological defeat because nobody ever told me I was "wrong". Even today it feels weird to me and it feels like the weirdos are those that look me too much.

Point is, consider if this looking people in the eyes is something really worth investing on: maybe not looking at people is your thing and you're fine that way too? Why you have to be wrong? Maybe it's the others that are doing the uncomfortable thing for others and are wrong.

I realised this in my 30s. I still look at people's lips while talking. I have to consciously remember to look into the eyes.

I think I read somewhere or maybe I realised in my dreams, looking below their eyes means I'm hiding something, it doesn't build trust. I could be wrong.

Don't worry about it. If you take a lead from Hannah Harvey (brilliant story teller), you can stare off into the distance (of your imagination), use wide expressive hand gestures, and know how to use timing to drive home your point, they won't be able to take their dagger eyes off you, and you will be the one with power.

Adult skills are products of years of experience. Give yourself time. You developed your communication skills and the habits that reflect it over a lifetime. It took a lifetime for people with communication skills and habits you want to develop, too.

Eye contact is not an end in itself. If you want an end in itself, be a good hang. Good luck.

> I tried improving my eye contact with ppl I meet like at grocery checkout or barista. However there’s usually like 3-4 foot distance which makes it easier.

Please, do society and yourself a favor and don't act like you perceive VCs to other people, especially people working to serve you as a JOB.

These people you are trying to mimick grew up interacting with people like you trying to get on their good side. That is what give them confidence. Put them inside a football pitch against good players and you will see a bunch of anxious amateurs that will not hold eye contact after being slide-tackled once.

Can I ask how much life & social experience you have? If you're younger, this is something that will often just accrue over the normal course of time. Kids are usually worse at this than teenagers, who are also worse at it than young adults, who are also worse at it than middle-aged successful businessmen who've talked to a lot of different people. (Assuming they are all neurotypical, etc.)

The more you talk to people from different walks of life, the more kinds of interactions you learn to have (and hopefully become comfortable in). You also notice that there's a pretty wide range of "normal" for everything from eye contact to gestures and other body language. You don't have to hold a dead stare for multiple minutes. Doing so can make a lot of people feel uncomfortable, in fact, because like you said it can feel like a "power move" even if they didn't intend for that. Just a few seconds at a time, accompanied by the occasional nod or smile or soft "uh-huh", can be reassuring without being overly intense.

But even then, there will always be some people who don't like receiving (or giving) direct eye contact... it depends on culture, race, in-group vs out-groups, etc. too. Part of maintaining a "safe" amount of eye contact is learning to read the other person's cues and sensing whether it's adding to the interaction or just making them uncomfortable.

Eye contact is helpful when you're trying to show someone you're paying attention and listening to them (or maybe trying to woo/intimidate/dominate them, which hopefully you aren't). But it's best practiced as part of normal everyday conversations (across different topics and kinds of people), and really, it helps you convey genuine emotional reactions to things (like excitement or confusion or boredom).

You don't need to practice "how to stare someone down". It's not supposed to be a power move unless you're in prison or maybe a prison-like corporate boardroom, lol. It's just a subtle "yeah, I'm still here and still listening".

It might help also to analyze your own thoughts and feelings during (or immediately after) you have an interaction with someone where eye contact felt a certain way to you. Aside from the power move VCs, do you ever have interactions where someone else's eye contact just made you feel welcome? Loved? Shunned or judged? Flirted with? Appreciated as an equal? What else are they displaying at the same time in terms of tone of voice, facial expressions, body gestures, physical distance, etc.? It's usually not just a cold-eye serial killer stare, but a combination of things.

What about you yourself, when you give others eye contact... are you just listening? Are you trying to show rapt attention? Submission? Friendliness? Openness? It might help to put it all in context.

IMO what you're trying to communicate is a complete message, like "I'm interested in what you're saying and curious enough to think about it as you're talking", not "I am able to force my eyes open and maintain a gaze at you because I'm more powerful". That's just a dick move, so don't try to do (or practice) that, lol.