Freeze dried foods. They have already appreciated over 100% in two years. They will be good officially for 25 years but in reality longer than anyone I know will be around. This is not advise to others, I might just be a little touched.
It's been a while since I literally laughed out loud at something I read. Amazing, thank you.
Pick any broker and buy an S&P500 index fund. Few investors do better than that. I also think Wealthfront is rather nice.