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A lot of that I think was rooted in low self-esteem. Which is something I still struggle a lot with. The mind is very powerful. At my last job I stepped up to head of engineering after our CTO resigned, and never got a raise. In my mind I didn't deserve it and was a horrible engineer.

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I relate really strongly to this and your original reply. I worked as hard as I could and kept my head down for decades, I guess secretly hoping I’d be appreciated but never advocating or looking out for myself because I felt worthless and had a lot of self-hate. It wasn’t until I started therapy, especially EMDR and spravato, that I was able to identify and work on past traumas that were driving this behavior. Obviously I don’t know if that’s the case here, but if so I’d really recommend seeking treatment, because you deserve a peaceful and good life.

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