Daughter from California syndrome | Hacker News Reader

Daughter from California syndrome

en.wikipedia.org

25 pointsmgh215 comments

Sounds very similar to the Seagull manager, described as someone who "flew in, made a lot of noise, dumped on everyone from a great height, then flew out again, leaving others to deal with the consequences"

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seagull_management

The 'ole swoop and poop.

a.k.a Pigeon CEO. Found on a recent HN comment [1] describing Elon Musk's management style

[1]: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=40678396

To be fair the purpose of hierarchy is to delegate execution, and evaluating and communicating any nuance or challenge involved in aligning micro-executive realities with macro-strategic goals is the responsibility of senior management. So many people criticize Musk, and many criticisms are probably well reasoned, but IMHO the general line of criticism "he doesn't hang around to sweat the details" is exceptionally naive given the scope of his businesses. His job is perhaps 40% politics and macro-economics, 50% shareholder perception management, and 10% actual leadership.

One key is these daughters from California have never actually tried to care for someone long term who is incompetent.

If required to do so, they'd be the first in line demanding an end to "suffering".

I've always thought authority and responsibility should go together. Parachute in claiming authority? Great - it's also now your responsibility. I'm serious about this. Discharge the elderly in their care with a care plan. Charter a flight or medical transport to get them to their house if need be.

The one challenge, folks getting older ALWAYS ACT TOO SLOWLY in getting things sorted - from grab bars and bathroom remodels to care teams and more. The time to find a nurse you like is NOT after hospital discharge when you can't shower yourself. Seriously - move closer to your kids, fix up your house, get some help to come by to help clean and check in on you - because with almost total certainty you will need MORE of this not less as you age.

It never occurred to me that I had any sway in my mom’s medical treatment until recently after about 3 years of pretty serious caregiving. It was only after things started getting so complex that stuff was starting to not work that I realized that even in that department I was now the responsible adult who needed to drive appointments, bring up things that needed to be addressed, and kind of have a vision for what “good enough” could look like.

One bit of advice - see if you can make sure you get respite care ie, mom stays for a week at an assisted living facility / nursing facility or even better go through a few in-home care folks who could help out and find one you like.

An issue is caregivers burning out. It's work that normally grows, so even if you don't think you need it, having the paperwork done for assisted / nursing so if needed Mom can spend a week there or having a relationship with in-home care so you can take a few days if needed can really make a big difference.

Also, if you get sick, there's a safety net for mom.

That is excellent advice thank you. I’d been putting off expanding the “team” so to speak for awhile but you’re 100% correct. Aside from burning out, I’m the single point of failure right now.

I was this person for my dad's care, heading back to Canada from California after his third ambulance ride to the hospital and subsequent discharge a few hours later. Turns out his first doctor at the ER had correctly identified the life-threatening condition he had developed, and when the shift changed the new physician ignored the handoff instructions and sent him home. If I hadn't pushed to get the ER to look again he would be dead now. I think the syndrome described is real, and enough doctors are bad enough at practicing medicine that it saves lives.

Pardon, but I dont think you fit the mold if you were right? Or if you were saying that you got lucky (right for the wrong reasons) then that wouldn't mean much about doctors?

I think the Daughter From California will be perceived and treated the same way by care providers regardless of whether they end up being right, and regardless of their actual vs perceived motivation, so from that perspective I think it still fits.

Doctors are just people - they don't appreciate it when somebody parachutes in to question their work, and they make mistakes like anybody else.

Belligerent and mentally incompetent elderly are tough to care for. They operate power tools. They drive cars. They know where you keep your backups of legal documents. They often deteriorate into activities befitting a small child (fixation on cutting things, refusing to eat their vegetables, violence, impulsivity, etc.)

All involved who are potential caregivers have to endure seeing the person they once respected act like a literal child, and this is a chronic disease that only gets worse with time.

There are several potential caregivers who simply can't lift that relationship as it is too heavy for them (emotionally, physically, mentally, etc.).

Really, this syndrome comes from family/potential caregivers not having a regular communication (monthly at least) about the current care needs and degeneration of the mind/body.

I hurt for these people and the caregivers who show magic thinking by believing it won't happen to them if they find that it was preventable by a doctor's negligence therefore the caregiver, as the child, will not get the same cognitive decline.

Daughter from California Syndrome - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=26847505 - April 2021 (26 comments)

I'd wager a guess that it usually has less to do with latent guilt and more with a narcissistic personality exercising control over the fate of a defenseless person.

Reply on news.ycombinator.com