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Comment by n4r9 | Hacker News Reader

It's been a very long time since I did any dating, but I'm not sure what your sister said wrong (except for her taking the opportunity to insult you!). Surely having fewer assumptions and more explicit communication is a good thing?

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Edit - I see your point about whether this is different between men and women. But I do think it's weird to use the term "fair play" in this context!

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Sure, in theory there’s nothing wrong with more communication. But some people don’t prefer to date this way. I would prefer a single partner and that my partner would demonstrate care and respect for me by dating me exclusively or not dating me at all.

This group (I would expect) is a minority and (I would expect is) getting smaller. If you are this kind of person then more communication isn’t necessarily going to help you find a partner who you feel is truly invested in you. Your dating pool is still shrinking and you still feel left out of the cultural zeitgeist. People will just be more open about how they aren’t compatible with you.

I don’t know what the solution is, I’m kind of just rambling. I do know I’ve spoken with several friends about this and the general consensus is that dating apps are making it harder (not easier) for them to find partners by fundamentally changing the game.

Also, every time I post about this on HN (which has been a couple times now) people absolutely leap to tell me why I’m a bad person or something

Maybe people try to tell you you’re misguided because it sounds like you expect a date who respects you to not date other people. This is a silly expectation to have if it isn’t communicated explicitly.

I’m already dating someone long-term, so the point is somewhat moot. But, I wasn’t saying that they should never date anyone else ever. I was saying they should only be dating one person at a time. Again, referring to the OP - if this is so unreasonable or silly how come everyone thought this way only a decade or so ago?

Isn’t the old term “going steady” the equivalent of explicitly exclusively dating someone?

I’m not convinced a decade or so ago this was so different, but let’s say it was. If the norm is different now, then it’s unreasonable to expect dates to behave as if it isn’t. I’m not saying it’s unreasonable to ask for what you want, I just think it’s silly to feel disrespected when someone violates an expectation that’s not been communicated.

> if this is so unreasonable or silly how come everyone thought this way only a decade or so ago?

Conventions change, right? Ten years is doesn't seem like much but it's nearly half a generation. A lot can change from one generation to the next. The younger generations seem to be much more liberal when it comes to lifestyle choices, and much more explicit around communication and consent.

Wait, so you think the authors use of “fair play” or mine is suspect? If not both, then what’s the fundamental difference?

Sorry, to clarify: I think the author's use is suspect, and I assumed you were using it to mean the same thing.

"Fair play" means playing by the accepted rules. But it seems to me that the rules themselves are changing (arguably justifiably so).

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