Remember that you are fully allowed to dump your parents. Took me way too long to realize this.
You are also fully allowed to feel an unconditional gratitude (dare I say, love) towards them for simply existing, while accepting them as they are, as individuals, without owing each other anything, and regardless of what they have done or not done. It also takes some people way too long to realize this, and it can be a liberating feeling.
Remember that you didn't ask for that though.
It's easy to resent someone who means well if what they're trying to do is make you miserable because they can't see how you could be happy. That's my parents. They can't fathom how I can enjoy my life and and have done everything in their power to keep me from living the way I want to live. They are willfully ignoring that I'm not them. They may have good intentions but I had a happy childhood in spite of them, not because of them. If adults in the world didn't take an interest in and see me, I could have been a miserable person. So in that sense, I do resent them. Good intentions don't mean anything when you refuse to acknowledge people as they are instead of who they are.
Was the last part meant to be: “Who you want them to be?”
I mean, that’s kinda hard as a parent, since you bring children into the world to raise them as you think they should be. If they then ignore all of that and go their own way, while perfectly acceptable, I can see how that’d suck for them.
I guess that’s my biggest worry as a parent anyway. I want them to be happy, but I also want them to be what I consider to be ‘good’.
I had a great childhood and still questioned if it was irresponsible to bring a child into a world of inherent suffering. Ultimately, planned parenting is a selfish act.
I agree, but with the exception that parenting adopted children is not selfish
My existence is difficult because my parents were abusive and negligent to a disabled child. My right to exist was questioned by the very people who created me.
Is there a viable path toward realizing that I am 'allowed' to feel unconditional gratitude towards my parents for existing?
In many cases, perhaps more than most people are comfortable with, children are raised by malicious parents.
It’s a miracle most kids turn out ok despite that, but I’m fairly certain it’s evolved to be that way.
Some people are genuinely having children for completely malicious reasons, like using a child as a tool to trap a domestic abuse victim, for which no gratitude is warranted or reasonable. And I daresay telling those children "you are who you are because of them" is horrifying and cruel.
As it stands now:
GP responded to someone with presumably bad parents by reminding them that their parents contributed to their existence. This sets the stage for their followup advice.
Their followup statement about unconditional gratitude is either directed at this person or uses a universal 'you'. This advice cannot be applied universally, especially in cases of abuse.
The final sentence also implies that GP has found something universal: "It also takes some people way too long to realize this".
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A lot of people say to themselves - "Of course there are exceptions!" A person's understanding of what counts as an exception is based entirely on their personal experience. Humans also tend to presume that other humans are "normal" unless given evidence otherwise: evidence also based on their personal experience.
We don't know the history of the majority of the people we meet, nor are we entitled to it. How do you determine who is an exception and who is not? It isn't feasible. GP's final sentence implies that it is.
All of these things underpin GP's comment - it's a common pattern of thinking.
I’ve got a PTSD when it comes to being in a relationship and struggling to make my own family because my parents cheated on one another, and I’m in huge debt and living in friend’s house because I allowed them to move into my house after they lost their incomes due to covid.
Yeah, I remember everything.
The internet is fairly unfiltered (and uncensored) so you hear a lot about people with horribly childhoods. It's probably a good thing for humanity as a whole but man, does it bum you out sometimes... let alone living through said horrible childhoods.
Excuse me? This terrible life was imposed on me against my will be mean and evil people. I will absolutely not be "grateful" for it.
> "Roughly 15,000 of them are children, with 3,000 just 5 to 9 years old.
You can't dump your parents that easilly when you're under 18, and at 5-9 the only other option is being placed into local authority care.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filial_responsibility_laws
I get that “no free country” can have many meanings, but these laws certainly exist in countries people call free.
So my educated guess would be you never have to actually care for your parents, but I'd be curious if any other countries actually will order children to nurse their parents.
https://blog.aarp.org/legal-grounds/more-filial-support-case...
Taking care of elderly parents is one of the toughest things in life that nobody talks about.