I propose a new flat electron theory. They do in fact orbit the nuclei in a simple orbit. It's just that Maxwell's equations don't apply at those length scales. Electron tunneling is a conspiracy designed to hide the truth.

This is of course a sarcastic aside, but I have to admit even toying with the idea of throwing out observations you don't like feels really good. I see why for some unbinding their beliefs from the constraints of reality is so appealing.