My Biggest Temptation
ryanleecarson.tumblr.com
ryanleecarson.tumblr.com
Then one of my brothers died.
As painful as it is to write this, his death and only his death was the only thing that would open my eyes.
Life is way short to even complain. To pay attention to petty details. To yell at the waiter because the soup is cold, or my steak is not cooked. To give up when my code won't compile, even though I may not have the slightest clue why.
Its only been three years. My adventures as a re-born man have only just begun. The future, though a bit fuzzy, looks promising. I'm not sure if any of my ideas will take off, but I'm sure I'll enjoy each hustling for each and every one of them.
I've already made a good bunch of friends through this community. People so incredible that it blows my mind. People I actually look up to.
And even though browsing HN reminds me how limited my talents may be, it also pushes me to realize that limits are just rules. And rules are meant to be challenged.
I'm still not an optimist. Because we are all still going to die and be forgotten. What I am is a bit more practical. I call it an active life enjoyer (made up word).
My main goal is not to be rich (though it would be nice to have a new car, and live in a better place), nor to be famous (but having friends is cool). I don't even want to become the next big tech superstar. I just want my adventure to go as long as possible. And to enjoy every second of it. So far, so good.
To be totally honest, I founded my startup due to such attitude. What's the worse that could happen? I'm already not rich, not famous. Money comes and goes. But life. Life just goes. I'd rather live it in a way that when the time comes for me to depart, I can take my last breath and say: "Would do it again."
Thank you for the nice words.
I've got to say, I still don't understand the obsession these days with "happiness". Who sits around reflecting on (and measuring) their happiness, as if it's some numerical, achievable end-goal? Not only that, the most important thing in life is not what you can do, but who you daily choose to be - your character and integrity. Money and things will fade, but character never dies.
Happiness is nice if it comes as a byproduct of life, but if happiness is really the pinnacle of that which we are striving for -- if it's really our greatest purpose in life -- we have a foundation softer than sand, constantly shifting with every direction the wind blows. Martin Luther King hints at his purpose in his "I Have Been to the Mountaintop" speech, noting that he's willing to sacrifice a long life for his purpose:
Like anybody, I would like to live a long life. Longevity has its place. But I'm not concerned about that now. I just want to do God's will. And He's allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I've looked over. And I've seen the Promised Land. I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people, will get to the promised land!
It also surprises me that as someone who was a "devoted Christian for 25 years" who would at least have some Biblical knowledge, Ryan doesn't at least acknowledge the inherent spiritual incompleteness of placing his hope in worldly and material things - number six on his list being the exception. (Ecclesiastes, Ryan? Or Job 1:21? Or Phil 4:12?)
American society has created a thought that if you're successful, wealthy, or influential, that is what brings happiness. Thus, some deprogramming (IE, it isn't your circumstances but rather your attitude your circumstances that makes you happy) is often necessary. And this happens within the church too, as much as it's preached against. (I say this as an Ex-Christian apostate with experiences in multiple churches.)
And according to Shawn Achor's research (I'm listening to his audiobook now) happiness is correlated with higher performance. For that reason alone, it's worth looking for ways to raise our base happiness level.
"It also surprises me that as a "devoted Christian for 25 years" who would at least have some Biblical knowledge, Ryan doesn't at least acknowledge the inherent spiritual incompleteness of placing his hope in worldly and material things. (Ecclesiastes, Ryan? Or Job 1:21? Or Phil 4:12?)"
I read that as he's Ex-Christian, not currently Christian, so such advice would not be considered any more valid than the Tao Te Ching.
Even though I'm not a Christian, I'd certainly consider that valid advice.
When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everybody will respect you.
To this non-Taoist, that one seems pretty wise, also.
I try to consider the message, and not the messenger.
Maybe, but one does not simply turn off 25 years of spiritual training and knowledge like a light switch. There is plenty of good practical wisdom contained in the Bible, especially in Proverbs + Ecclesiastes.
My hunch is that while Ryan has an emotional issue with the concept of people being held accountable for our moral choices (i.e. justice being served at the end of life), mentioning Biblical scripture here wouldn't be like throwing "pearls before swine" -- he seems like an open and smart guy and probably still has some level of respect for the Bible.
You can't make much of an impact on the world if you're not happy with your life. You'll spend most of your time trying to find happiness, instead of moving on to help other people be happy.
Now that I don't believe in 'saving' people (in the Christian sense), there isn't a higher purpose for me other than helping others find contentment.
Now that I've found contentment, I can start to focus on others.
Note that me finding happiness or contentment isn't because I've bought things or have cash in the bank.
It's the state of mind that my blog post talks about (and how I'm tempted to break out of it all the time).
It seems to me that most people want contentment and happiness in the same way most people want wealth, which is passively. I think that many of those who decide to be happier can take all proactive action to come closer to the state of mind they desire.
This sort of self-centered attitude (i.e. "my own happiness must come before others") is the same line of reasoning that people use to say "you can't love others before you love yourself", but it's just not true.
Happiness often comes when we consciously decide to take the focus off ourselves (and all the moaning and worrying we do about our "unhappiness") and place it squarely on the well-being and loving service of others. It's a daily choice to lose ourselves in something far greater than our ego and its want of fickle satisfaction.
Now that I've found contentment, I can start to focus on others.
I'm not going to judge your motives, but I would question if you've really found true contentment -- you're living an extremely favorable set of circumstances in life (a great wife, kids, a fantastic business) that make it easy to be happy -- and yet here you are, writing a blog post about how it's still not enough. The business has to be bigger (more barns to build!), you want more money than 99.9999% of the world to retire early, etc. You know your own heart though.
I struggle with the same thing too on a monthly basis, the constant pull towards discontentment. I often find it's when I've stopped giving thanks daily and, consciously or otherwise, allowed myself to believe that "these material things matter and they are mine to have".
With that said, I would say true contentment is really understanding Job 1:21 and the perspective that brings.
Through your own missions work, you must have certainly met plenty of people (or at least heard plenty of stories) of people possessing far less on that hierarchy than the average American who were far more content and held an "actualized" attitude about life.
The very highest definition of love (Greek - agape), often denotes self-sacrifice, something that certainly goes against the grain of an ego-driven desire for personal happiness. I'm sure you know it all too well as a parent and the many sacrifices you make for your kids =) I think we live too much of our lives worrying with an inward focus when the real answer is to take that energy and turn our focus outward to others. Self-centered may have been a harsh word, but it is what it is.
Jeremy Bentham, that's who.
i.e. for him you're either happy or unhappy?
I'm currently a third of the way into "Gulag: A History" by Anne Applebaum. Good book but very hard to bear. Millions, including innocent Soviet citizens, were tortured, massacred, or worked to death over a whole 30 years. It puts waking up with a headache and having to drive to the office into perspective I find.. :-)
On the subject of "difficult to read" books I found I couldn't finish Orlando Figes' book "The Whisperers: Private Life in Stalin's Russia" - it's an excellent book, but I literally found it too upsetting (and that's for someone who has read a lot on Soviet/Russian history).
On the 'innocence' point, I'm talking by Soviet legal standards. People were found guilty of all sorts of "crimes" at the time, but many were also never found "guilty" of anything and were merely picked up at random to meet labor requirements at the prison camps. In this book, they're split into "real criminals" (so murderers, thieves, etc), "politicals" (people who were targeted for their political affiliations), and then everyone else, including the innocents or relations of the aforementioned groups.
Are your goals life-changing? If you sell your current startup successfully, what would you do afterwards? Start the next one? Basically the same daily routine? Congratulations you are already happy. Maybe you didn't know that.
Even though I would classify my state as 'happy' now doesn't mean that I'm not tempted to think something else would enhance that happiness though. That's the challenge.
A lot of us are ambitious people, driven by the need to out-perform ourselves and build something better. It is then natural to think that you will be better off once you reach that goal compared to how you are right now. The important thing to realize is that more than the goal itself, it's the journey that we tend to enjoy. Once you realize this, having ambitions and seeing a clear path to reaching them is itself joyous.
He writes a post about experiencing anxiety despite his obvious success so far, about "constantly fighting" his temptation to feel bad about where he is, about his drive to dissociate from his current live in favor of an imagined "perfect" future life that's constantly changing. He's sharing a set of feelings I think a lot of people, especially ambitious people, can relate to.
But then he feels the need to say he's "100% happy." What does that even mean? Why does he (probably correctly) think that his social context demands that he be unnaturally happy, and that sharing inner struggles will be problematic for him as a public figure? I wish he was OK admitting that sometimes he's not happy. That inexplicably (and yet predictably), meeting one's goals often doesn't actually help you feel any better.
I think happiness comes from something much more abstract. It is a visceral reaction to your life and everything in it. I truly believe that in the end, the thing that makes you happy in life is when you live uncompromisingly, upholding the beliefs/principles/truths/etc. that resonate deep within your heart; whatever they may be.
For the aforementioned reasons I'll be starting a company with a friend in June / July of this year. This friend of mine will work on acquiring the leads (he's proven in the last few years he can get work for me) while my main focus will be on developing the solutions for the clients and guiding our clients through the realization process. With this company we will aim for the following goals: - earn much more money, I expect I can make around 2000 to 3000 EUR more a month in this setting, though I have to spend some of this money on benefit my employer would normally pay for (holidays, retirement, etc...). - use my own work processes (I'm not very fond of SCRUM for example - at least not in the way it's executed at my current employer). - take a leadership / guiding role in some projects, especially since we expect we'll be able to outsource some work within a year or so. We've already worked with an Android developer from eastern Europe recently and this worked out well for us. We can imagine making use of more eastern European mobile developers if we don't have the time ourselves for the projects. - be more flexible with my working hours. My currently employer wants me in the office from 09:00 - 17:00, while I prefer to work from say 09:00 - 13:00, followed by some relaxation / sports and work again between 18:00 and 00:00.
The money will help me gain more economic freedom once I've payed off my mortgage and student loan dept. I don't necessarily need to live in a giant house, but I would like to have a second home in a southern-European country from where I can work in the winter seasons - this is a long term goal I'll strive for.
I believe that by constantly visualizing my goals I will get closer to achieving them. I promised myself I will realize the above goals before I reach the age of 40 (currently I'm 30 years old).
I don't make lists though - usually it's something I'm told by somebody else, like one of my sisters or my mother. Somebody who knows me and my life well. That usually does the trick.
But I can't independently convince myself of my own personal happiness at the drop of a hat when that demon of looking forward to the brighter future rears it's ugly head - I hope I can figure it out like you have!
Esther1 was the born to a very poor family. Her parents were killed in an accident when she was 8 so she had to drop out of school and raise her 3 younger brothers. She worked hard and never had anything material for her entire life. She was an old lady when I was a child. Some of the things I clearly remember her saying:
"I love every one of you."
"I can't wait to see you again."
"We had a wonderful time!"
"Don't worry. It'll be fine."
"If you look for trouble, you'll probably find it. So don't look so much."
"I thank God every night of my life."
"Joe is so lucky. I could never get that lucky."
"You can't beat city hall, so why bother."
"Things would be different if we lived in a different neighborhood."
"They all inherited a lot but we inherited nothing."
"Life's not fair, sonny."
"If only I had more money."
We may not have the gift of hindsight to apply to our current situation but they generally do. The reason people impart advice is because they feel that it's info they wish they had been given at the time. Listen to that advice objectively and learn from it.
I can't remember what the name for it (or even if there is a name for it), but one of the best tricks I've learned is to self identify any negative thoughts as they stream in... when they come, just acknowledge they exist, don't beat yourself up over it; but take a step back, imagine yourself in the 3rd person seeing you get wound up over it, laugh it off and relax if you can. If you can't that's okay, it's just like attaining any positive habit or trying to quit any negative one. Persistence and time will make things come around, as long as you want it and continue deliberately practicing to achieve it.
It was a process that took a couple years to sink in but surely will be ongoing until the day I die - the funny thing is, for years now, only my folks have been able to get a physical rise out of me (and perhaps rush hour traffic, haha). It's like some weird Pavlov's response. And of course there are times when a situation is just a little too tough, scary, or stressful, and I catch myself falling back on old patterns. In other words, when you find your comfort zones stretched, you also have to keep in mind that your mind will try to deceive you to keep you out of harm's way.
"…feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are." ― Pema Chödrön
In the year leading up to her leave, many of her colleagues said "you are so lucky." Her reaction was that it isn't luck, it's a choice. It's easier than people think it is (especially since Canadian teachers are generally paid well, and the fact that a 20% gross cut results in about a 14% net cut), but most people aren't interested in seeing what they can do.
When life tosses me a curveball, I bitch about it a bit—and then I get working on solving the problem I need to solve.
My grandpa was also here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Merrills_Marauders and here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guadalcanal_Campaign
He was shot twice and fragged once, and was only able to leave the front line for once of those incidents.
My grandmother had many of the same qualities, without the overtly "heroic" background. (I put that in quotes because he could not stand that word, and I agree with him.)
My grandpa was the most humble man I know. Not overly kind though. Soft spoken, but always watchful.
One thing he said more often than any other thing: "Today is a good day if you are breathing."
Only after they died in 2000 and 2003 respectively did I really start taking the true meaning of that simple statement into my being.
Fundamental and deep humility has been my guiding light ever since.
I'm an opinionated tech guy like many of the people here. But I tell my co-workers that, on any given day, the best thing that can happen to me at work is to be proven wrong.
Um, fragged (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fragging)?
I meant http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fragmentation_(weaponry)
That way you can say, "Everything IS perfect or close to it now. By the way, I'll bump up my revenues 1000% and move to Cambodia."
The really hard thing is to retain the needed passion to succeed at those goals while remaining distant enough for them not to make you believe they are life defining events, as they usually aren't, even significantly big ones.
Paraphrasing Shawn Achor: you'll never reach happiness if it is always on the other side of some constantly shifting horizon.
I’d set this bar at 50-70% net profit margin. We can aim high because there is no additional cost for each new customer once we reach profitability.
That's a common misconception. You are indeed spending money on getting each additional customer, you are just not accounting for it correctly. It's easy to consider all marketing/advertising/sales/customer service expenses as fixed costs, when indeed these costs go up with each additional customer you on-board.
Also, even if you reach the 50-70% profit margins, how sustainable would that be? The simple law of efficient markets dictates that you will have competitors who will be willing to undercut you. There is no relatively stable company out there that is able to make such margins unless they have constructed entry barriers around themselves (patents, laws etc.).
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
- John LennonWith no facts, whatsoever. For fucks sake, reddit has more research citations than HN does in a discussion like this.
Thanks for contributing to the stereotype that technologists are the worst group when it comes to thinking that success in one field gives license to ignorantly spout opinions as fact in other fields.
References to the bible and self help books, no references to any actual psychology of happiness research.
I've got some all natural homeopathic depression/disappointment/malaise remedies to sell. I think I just found my target demo.
Startup idea! /s
Sometimes the answer is no, but most days it's yes. As long as I average more yeses than noes, I don't think about it much. It's when the noes pile up for more than a month that I think about making a change.
In case, you want to read it.
http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache%3Aryanl...
I'm unhappy with everything I've read along these lines, and I've read a lot of it on HN and elsewhere. I'm also unhappy with my own balance many times. The problem is that both extremes are not lives I would want to have. I do not want to be a Buddhist, sitting around in loose-fitting clothing feeling perfect happiness. I also do not want to be a driven type-A sort that is counting pennies the last day of his life.
My best guess so far is to start out enjoying the struggle -- go freaking do something with yourself and the world. As you begin to gain traction, back off and actually have a life. The trick, of course, is learning when and how to back off, so I probably haven't added much to the discussion. :)
One thing I know for sure is I agree with this thesis: happiness cannot be just around the corner. It must be whatever you are doing right now.
I am 27 now, but when I was 21 I used to think that I can be happy no matter what the situations in life. Soon I had to come to face with the reality. You need money to solve your own and the worlds problems.
Just like the author I come to always to the point “Everything will be perfect when ….”.
And you will never be free, because first you will want a college degree, then its a home, then its a car, then clothes, and then in comparison with whatever everybody else has. And then as you have a family it just goes on and on...
So it happened that I went with relative of mine to check out a luxury flat he was about to buy here in Bangalore. As I was checking out the flat with him, he asked me if I would buy if I had the money. And then he asked me to reply with an honest opinion. I paused for a moment and replied... That I would like to buy it now, but I would like to buy it now just because you are buying it. And I'm comparing myself with you, but If I were you and in your shoes then probably I would like to buy what somebody else in your peer group might be buying it. And that might mean a super luxury flat.
I realized a simple fact. We are never free. We are always a slave to the question that the author asks “Everything will be perfect when ….”
We will never be happy because we need money to solve our problems and buy all we want to buy, no amount of it is ever sufficient. And the answer to that is not 'stop having expectations'.
Although I agree with you in principle. But so as long as we have feelings, comparison and desires to match someone else is inevitable. I've tried a lot, but I keep ending up with...
Why can't I have a car like him.
Why can't I have a home like his.
Why can't go on a costly vacation like him.
...
Why can't I have <insert anything> like him.
99.8% of the world's population would like to have a car like mine...
I have a wife and 2 little girls. We have a house, 2 cars, and a motorcycle. All of our vehicles are paid for and we have no revolving credit.
I am HAPPY. Poor, yet HAPPY.
The secret is that I stopped thinking: "Why can't I have a car like him?" Instead, I started thinking, "It must suck to work as much as he does," or "I'm glad I don't have debt like him!"
I have everything I need and quite a few things that I want. I have money in the bank to buy just about anything I'd like to own, within reason. I did not achieve financial freedom on what is considered poverty level salary by desiring new fancy things.
It took me 4 years of credit counseling and BARELY making it buy each month to realize all of this. It was not an easy lesson. But now, I have friends making over $200k that are envious of me.
I'm not right or wrong. My method isn't better than acquiring awesome stuff with tons of money. I have found that time with my family is more valuable than money.
Three things that weaken those feelings of envy for me:
One is treating them as something my brain does. Sort of like one does with a transient ringing in one's ears or a twitchy muscle or a mild cold. I think, "Oh, that thing again," and wait for it to pass.
The second is appreciating what I have more. If you focus all the time on what you don't have, it's easy to miss all the things you do have.
The third is better understanding others. Spend some time really looking at the people you think you envy. Rich people are often miserable bastards. Even the ones who aren't miserable have made sacrifices I'm not interested in making, or are fundamentally handicapped in a way that I'm glad not to be. Nothing comes without a price.