There isn't much that I dislike more then obnoxious control freaks like her. Reminds me of my mother, and a few other women I can't stand for longer then 2 hours.
I often have the same reaction as you to people trying to modulate me in any way. But I am learning to view their intentions more positively and I often find that it ultimately helps me to let go of my stubbornness and actually self-reflect on the things about me that they're pointing out - even though it's always difficult to do.
There is something wrong here: and that's assuming your partner is the one struggling. In clinical cases of hoarding and ADHD, that can definitely be the case - but all hints, nags and nudges are useless in these clinical cases anyway.
Fact is that in your day-to-day neat freak vs messy partner situation, the person struggling with mess is actually the neat partner and not the messy one. Most messy people I know, and have worked with, are quite content with mess.
An end in itself.
It isn't any more a virtue than clutter.
Sure there are OCD horders at the extreme. And OCD cleaners at the other.
That's not to say that understanding why you behave the way you behave is not a good thing. It is indeed. Self awareness is good for everyone...including neatfreaks. And it only comes with time as we keep learning and growing.