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Yeah but how will I get ~customized ads~ served to me? What if big-ad-tech doesn't know I'm tangentially interested in garage door opener content??

You will miss out on having your YouTube feed filled with garage door videos for the next 3 years as well.

randomly changing content width and slapping random tables where they don't belong doesn't do it for me, sorry

Still too much design. The centering is unnecessary.

Not sure if satire. It's a terrible user experience for me. For future readers:

Ha ha, and the compression artifacts on the images: how you know it's gonna load fast.