Comment by I_Am_Nous | Hacker News Reader

Comment by I_Am_Nous | Hacker News Reader

This is a common issue with ADHD and autism, where no matter what you try you are too different to live as society "says" you should. Many people live for 30 years before getting help in the form of counseling or medication because these issues almost always feel like the person suffering from them "can't do what they are supposed to do" so that's also a common thing - you can kind of scrape by for a long time but eventually it's too hard to ignore.

It's also not something you can just "tough out with gritted teeth" because it's fundamentally not something wrong with you, it's essentially society expecting everyone to be able to just deal with what society requires when that's not always possible.

There is hope, and I'd advise talking to a professional if you can, and if not at least research ADHD symptoms and stories about how autistic people finally deal with how difficult life is when you are neurodivergent. It might help you realize that YOU are NOT bad, just different. Short example might be "dogs and cats kind of look and act similarly (both 4 legged mammals with a tail) but only one can easily climb a tree, and it's not a failing of the dog that it can't act like a cat and climb a tree."

The thing, is that this is not just about fitting in society (although that is an important part f it), but the most major one that has doomed me is some kind of aversion to just "doing" things, and i mean any thing, like exercise, grooming, learning, studying and so much more. This is combined with the fact that when i do try to learn something, i stop after sometime either because i feel tired or feel it is too easy and i am very smart and can easily learn it later.

the one time i did work hard in school, i did not get anywhere as good outcomes as the effort i put in. i live in a part of the world where money is very necessary (i mean, it is important everywhere) and to earn boatloads, you have to be exceptional, know the right people, be wily enough to catch opportunities and manipulate people but i don't have the capabilities to do any of this.

i am going to be honest, i have had big dreams and ambitions but i have never been able to put in the work to get to them because of multitude of reasons. so, i don't really know what to do anymore.

This sounds like a maladaptive freeze response (fight/flight/freeze/fawn responses). My wife was the same way. She was basically completely shutdown physically and emotionally because before I met her she was stuck in an emotionally incestuous relationship with her father after her mother passed away.

It's taken more than 10 years (mostly because we didn't know anything about anything emotional until recently and therefore couldn't get her help), but she's finally getting past a lot of the symptoms you mention.

Good to hear your wife got better :)

I skimmed over maladaptive freeze response and from what i could understand, it affects a person in situations which were stressful for them in the past, but for me, i haven't had any extreme traumatic experiences that i remember, except bullying but my inaction has extended to normal, everyday things like academics which has been particularly emphasized by my parents and i have had a positive view of learning since early childhood but maybe due to low mental capacity, never really learned much.

You don't need to have had abusive situations. Neglect, specifically emotional neglect can cause all of those symptoms.

Personally, I was physically taken care of but had an overly permissive parent who treated me like a roommate rather than a child and that was enough to cause decades of suffering and not understanding why I couldn't do things other people found easy and natural.

For a few years, my single mom had to raise me and we did not spend a lot of time together as she worked during the day and only came home at night, but from what i can remember, she has been a good parent always and i was the one who would have tantrums and meltdowns sometimes. i don't remember being neglected.

i can definitely relate with the last sentence haha, but you seem to have overcome it, how?

Also, i peeked around at your profile (sorry!) and see, this is what terrifies me. You have been coding since a young age, have worked in so many cool positions, even created your own software products. I on the other hand, first learned about programming when i was 14-15 and even tried learning it a bit before stopping idk why thinking i will learn later and instead daydreaming about making millions lmao. but i never was actually able to learn it, not just programming, basically anything people learn as they grow. My parents are still supportive and that makes it even worse since i did shit despite a good environment. There is this sense of doom that has taken over me and i don't know what to do.

First step is to stop blaming yourself for everything. You are a product of your circumstances and upbringing.

Second step is to allow the possibility that even supportive parents can still make mistakes that negatively impact your ability to do the things you want to do. Neglect has nothing to do with the kind of person your parents are. This is not a moral judgement of your parents.

Third is to learn about and to accept and rely on your emotions. This is where I'm at and it's a long process, but the sooner you get started the soon you become unstuck.

Also, no one remembers neglect. How can you remember something you didn't have?

Good people can neglect things. Maybe they had an uncle/aunt who was supportive in a certain way so they didn't know they need to support they own children in that way. Or maybe they had their own issues they were working through and just didn't have the bandwidth or capacity to give something or other to their children. Again neglect is not a moral judgement.

Just came across this. https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSDmemes/s/qwhx4B7IJI

Which links to

https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/what-is-pda-menu/what-is-deman...

This is something I struggle with but didn't have words for either.

It's a constant struggle to keep healing.

Thanks a lot for chatting with me :)

What do you think i should do now?

It is possible that i have no technical acumen and may not have anywhere close to an exceptional intellect to fulfill my dreams. That combined with the strong aversion to doing any tasks, whether mental or physical means i am basically a vegetable but i don't want to be.

i don't know if you can help me with this but no harm in asking. are psychologists who follow freudian methodologies effective? i got an assessment done with a psychologist who used tests like rorshcach inkblot test, thematic apperception test and some others.

i honestly dont know if this is an excuse but very frequently when i try to study, through lectures or textual content, i start feeling drowsy very quickly. i have been told this is not uncommon but idk

Again I suggest reading cPTSD by Pete Walker. Specifically about the freeze type for F response. It can describe things much better than a random person on the internet can.

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