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I'm 95% sure it'll turn out to be a mundane config error somewhere

It will be DNS related.

Handy troubleshooting tool for outages: https://isitdns.com/

reminds me of http://iscaliforniaonfire.com/ even if not directly related to topic at hand

The sysadmin's haiku:

It's not DNS

There's no way it's DNS

It was DNS