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Comment by ssnri | Hacker News Reader

here’s my simplified but experienced take:

Increased obesity is definitely part of why straight men reject straight women. Mental health is probably the number one reason why straight women reject straight men.

straight women expect straight men to be willing to go to therapy, but also to not need it in the first place

the mental health expectations placed on straight men are unrealistic

meanwhile, gay men see traumatized men and try to claim them. There’s a misunderstanding that men who got picked on in school are ripe for gay conversion.

Not all gay men are predators, but hey I’ve been sexually harassed by both straight women and gay men, and it’s definitely more gay men.

I think it comes down to how the different groups perceive mental health difference, and perhaps that gay men feel safer pushing when they’ve already gotten a “no” versus straight women who have more to worry about regarding their safety.

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> meanwhile, gay men see traumatized men and try to claim them. There’s a misunderstanding that men who got picked on in school are ripe for gay conversion.

Chiming in to drop the anti-anecdote, I have literally never experienced this to be the case, I don't know a single gay person interested in "converting" others.

In my experience gay men know what dating or sleeping with a "traumatized man" is like because a lot of closeted men are like that, we do not seek to claim that at all.

between cat calling, and multiple people who have difficulty with the word no, that’s all I mean.

I got no hate. I would protect the queer community if it ever came down to it.

Then the operative word is probably "man" and the gay isn't doing much to modify it, this is the average woman's experience with heterosexual men.

Except mental health issues are more prevalent in the LGBT community, and in fact is a major reason for increased substance use within that subgroup [1].

If declining mental health was the reason straight men weren’t having sex, we’d expect to see the same/worse declines for gay/bi men too.

[1] https://www.samhsa.gov/newsroom/press-announcements/20230613...

I’m not saying I am confident in my own hypothesis, but regarding your second paragraph, I don’t think that’s valid reasoning.

I think the social dynamics are different between het/hom groups

OR, becoming a member of the LGBT community is more likely if you suffer from mental health issues.

The faux unconditional acceptance offers solace, often to marginalised people that haven't received it from anywhere else.

yeah, I love the community. Way better to seek emotional support from the queer community than other cishet men.

You cannot become part of the LGBT community outside of being an ally by choice.

You either are gay, are lesbian, are bi, are trans etc or you're not and opting in to all the social bullying outside of the sub-10% LGBT (who themselves are not that united) who will now supportive on principle makes very little sense.

These issues among LGBT people map pretty much exactly to the pattern of mental illness and substance abuse that exist in every minority out-group. Far more likely that this very obvious explanation is the true one.

Sure. There is totally no porn induced autogynephilia in solitary people with untreated mental issues that makes them believe that they are transexual, and the faux acceptance of the LGBT community totally does not lure them in.

I want to be an ally.

You’re edging toward doing the very thing: claiming.

If you want cis-het men to be cool and accepting, just accept the ones who are cool and accepting. Don’t get paranoid about why they’re hanging out.

I just hate bullies.

I think you've misread my comment.

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