Not feeling like I belong anywhere
dostoynikov.bearblog.dev
dostoynikov.bearblog.dev
theres no real answer here, but I will share with you some solidarity.
It can be comforting to believe that moving around a lot is a source of your loneliness and lack of belonging, I am here to tell you that unfortunately you can have that feeling even if you stay in one city as I did.
What I have found has worked for me is finding external groups that transcend physical proximity. In the early 00’s I joined an IRC net and throughout my teens and 20’s it was, at times, my only support.
It got me through multiple country moves and friend group resets.
However, one thing that is your superpower now: you have had the means to reinvent yourself and wipe your slate clean many times over. You might find that you don't feel that you belong anywhere but you fit in most places, and thats a very important first step into feeling belonging.
Thank you for your words. Finding external groups that transcend physical proximity is definitely a thing. Sometimes I find and meet good people on the internet or IRL. But making, maintaining and growing a friendship feels too much of a hassle. I don't know if it is because of my past experiences mentioned in my article or not but this what it is unfortunately.
It is not that I can't get along with people. People around me really like me actually. They always try to have a chat with me or invite me to somewhere. Although I really love having beautiful conversations, my social battery is so weak. 30 mins at max and then I want to stay alone with myself.
You are right about superpower. I fit in most places without problem. Is is just I don't feel belong there. I got what you mean overall, though. I appreciate your beautiful words.
With all the moving, I’ve pretty much lost my ability to care for people. The scariest part was realizing I no longer felt any sense of family after being made to stay with strangers for 2 years between age 10-12.
I still don’t know how to cope, or perhaps have no need to cope. I know something is wrong with me but feel no need to fix it.
And hopefully you learn to appreciate all the incredible advantages to be had in staying somewhere longer. At least that’s how I feel, moving between 7 different cities in the last 10 years.
If I ever could stay somewhere long enough to take a root, I probably would be a completely different person. I feel both glad and sad for the life I lived.
"belonging", to me, is a human phenomenon that doesn't need much. We want to have our human experience shared, for our existence to be validated. It's so tied to nature that people have bars they frequent as they drown in alcoholism.
The interesting part about it is that many feel this way, especially in a modern world that is at odds with the old one. How can so many be disconnected yet wanting to connect?
I have found that all of society is based on the premise of building it when it didn't exist yet. Just the same we can create our belonging, and that's the scary part.
And yet, it feels so good when you actually have it. Not in a drug addition kind of way, in a healthy "yeah this is nice" kind of way.
I wish I could hardwire my brain to feel that in other things and no feel sad when I don't belong.
I definitely agree with this. I love process of creating, forming something. After it is created, it loses all its charm and becomes something to get rid of.