Hacker News Reader

Comment by J_cst | Hacker News Reader

Here's a parent of two, 9F, 12M: As soon as you can interact with them set few, understandable rules and stick with them (bed time, screen time, eating habits, chores). Those will create routines and the frictions will decrease. Don't pass to them the responsibility of the decisions (what to eat, seeing or not seeing grandparents, going here or there) as this makes them feel unsure. In the good or in the bad, if you promise, deliver. Let them know there's no such thing as a free lunch, neither at their family home. Be consistent. Those suggestions will help you to avoid anger overflows.

View on HN

One of the things I’ve struggled with as a parent, having grown up with an angry and remote father, is being able to follow through on consequences/being conflict avoidant (something I generally struggle with) due to an internal guilt and innate discomfort with being “mean”. Over time, this has started to change out of necessity, as my oldest figured this out about me, and began taking advantage of my resistance to anger.

Having two children 7 years apart (with a chance to improve significantly as a parent remaining), I now really understand the wisdom of what you shared here, and try to remind myself of this every day. Love doesn’t always mean pleasant moments. Being firm when called for and establishing rules/consequences makes things easier in the long run, and helps avoid blow up moments.

And last but not least: if you love them, let them know as they need to be ultra sure about that.

Have you ever been in a situation where you slipped out of this routine and had to correct ?

ps: nice tips, thanks

I'm not sure if I understand your question. In my experience my son and daughter always try to challenge the position of the post. They try to check if they can move it a little bit further. I think that this is good and normal. My policy is to re-establish its original position every time I feel they try to move it in a sneaky way but I'm open to discuss the position of the post if they're straight about it and if they can explain to me why it's sensible to move it. I can not stress enough how important have been and still are the routines, as takes away from them the anxiety. e.g. when we get back home in the afternoon: Shoes off, prapare the books for the next day, wash, pajamas, free time, help to prepare the table to eat together, have dinner, clean up the table, free time, 9.45 in bed, sleeping by 10 p.m. They do not have time to fight each other or complain for something they want and don't have. They know what to do in order to have have free time. It took time to establish that, but know that's automatic and they're fine with that. I see them happy and serene. And this routine also helps me, gives me time and my attention is not always focused on me. Do we slip out of the routine? Yes, it can happen, no big drama. Slipping out of the routine now and again does not undo it.

P.s. this routine has been built step by step with time, not everything in one go P.p.s. I hope the meaning of the word 'post' was clear. the post is the limit, the fence.

Errata: not always focused on them

I've seen people who now struggle with establishing rules with their kids. It seems that at some point they let things slip a bit too far and now it's chaos. I was wondering if you knew how to restore stability :)

thanks again

I'm not morbid with the rules (as said, few and clear) or the pole negotiation. They feel no fatigue to try and move it, but I try to be consistent. Consistency is key as they spot and work on the lack of it very efficiently. I am convinced that you can educate up to 13 years of age latest. After that, I tend to believe that "games are done" (as we use to say in Italy) and they need to work their way out. I will trust on the seeds I tried to plant in them in their first 12/13 years. After that their individuality needs to - and will - be expressed.

You're all very welcome

Reply on news.ycombinator.com